Lift Me Up

EUREKA!

2008-11-03T03:23:12Z

I have had an epiphany. I have found the reason why I always stray from God so. Besides that I’m a sinner and human that is.

I am afraid of being happy.

I’ve known that for a while, but never connected it like that.

God makes me happy and I don’t want to be happy.

Why?

I haven’t a bloody clue.

But it’s why I’m always making trouble for myself, and why I start arguments.

I act like I need some kind of pain like I need air.

I’ve always wondered why I intentionally screw things up and I suppose that’s why...

I always knew I was messed up in the head, but DANG!

Oh well, I’ll finally figure it out one day.

(Or rather I’ll finally see what God’s shoving in my face.)

(10:32PM)

Okay, I have a question.

Why are we all so freaking critical of ourselves?

I mean, each one of us has our own talents, our own knowledge, intelligence, gifts. Yet we’re always comparing ourselves to other people, always saying, ‘If only I could do that. If only I could be like that.”

We forget that we have what we have for a reason. We have our own place in God’s plan. And we need to use the things we have to praise Him.

What’s the point in forgetting, ignoring our purpose?

Even if we don’t know what His plan for us in the long is, we can still use today.

We still need to use the things he has given us, instead of letting them go to waste.

Anyway, we’re not supposed to know the future. If we were, we’d know it.

We’re supposed to live in the present, and act in the present. Not the future. Not the past. Not the ‘could be.’

We all live way too much in the focus of this world, instead of the presence of God.

And really, which one is better?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

2008-10-27T04:30:27Z

What the Hell?

I’m tired of this bullshit!

Can’t anybody see I’m here and I exist?

What, you don’t care anymore?

What, you can’t see me crawling across the floor?

I’m only there when it’s convenient.

I’m only there to listen to your screaming.

Well guess what?

Life isn’t perfect!

You’re not the only one who’s got problems!

Yeah, you don’t get along with your family.

That’s perfect, that’s great.

Yeah, school’s a bitch and you can’t get by with your grades.

Good to know your friends are second best,

even more so when they’re supposed to be there in your chest!

But you want to know what’s best above it all?

That you sat there and cried as you had to watch me fall.

But the moment they move the body,

the moment I’m gone,

you’re back upon your feet walking down the hall.

Do you miss me at all?

Actions speak louder than words, SO SHOW IT!

The Journal: Entry 122&123

2008-10-27T04:27:57Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 122: August 20^th, 2008 (11:10AM)

“‘What did you do to this?’

‘It didn’t want to come out of the dash board.’

‘So you felt the need to torture it?’”

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(5:29PM)

“‘I wasn’t about to send you off alone. With you luck, not even the black box would survive.’

‘So let’s say my bad luck did crash the plane. What exactly were you going to do about it?’

‘Why is the plane crashing?’

‘The pilots are passed out drunk.’

‘Easy. I’d fly the plane.’

‘Both engines have exploded and we’re falling in a death spiral toward the earth.’

‘I’d wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall and jump. Then I’d run you back to the scene of the accident, and we’d stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history.’

I stared at him wordlessly.

‘What?’ he whispered.”

Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(6:09PM)

“Go have fun. Bag a few mountain lions for me.”

Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(6:11PM)

“Look after my heart- I’ve left it with you.”

Edward Cullen, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(7:51PM)

“‘You see it everywhere. Nature taking its course- hunter and prey, the endless cycle of like and death. And yet, you don’t see the fish trying to plant a kiss on the eagle. You never see that.’

‘Maybe the fish was trying. It’s hard to tell what a fish is thinking. Eagles are good-looking birds, you know.’”

Jacob Black and Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(8:06PM)

“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV.”

Jacob Black, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(8:26PM)

“‘I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.’

‘But I am a werewolf. And he is a vampire.’

‘And I’m a Virgo!’

‘Okay. Just Bella and Jacob. None of those freaky Virgos here.’”

Bella Swan and Jacob Black, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(9:03PM)

“When it comes to all this enemies nonsense, I’m out. I am a neutral country. I am Switzerland. I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures.”

Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(9:11PM)

“‘I’m not at Charlie’s. I’m kind of being held prisoner.’

‘We’ll come get you.’

‘Tempting. I have been tortured- Alice painted my toenails.’”

Bella Swan and Jacob Black, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(9:16PM)

“Porsches as bribes and king-sized beds in a house where nobody slept- it was beyond irritating.”

Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

~~~~

Entry 123: August 21^st, 2008 (11:19AM)

“I’ll tell you what’s dangerous; I’m going to spontaneously combust one of these days- and you’ll have no one but yourself to blame.”

Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(11:28AM)

“‘If you’re going to have a lapse in control, I can think of a better place for it.’

‘Must I always be the responsible one?’

‘No. Let me be in charge of responsibility for a few minutes... or hours.’

‘Goodnight, Bella.’”

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(11:32PM)

“Hmmm. You’re quite adorable when you’re jealous. It’s surprising enjoyable.”

Edward Cullen, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(1:16PM)

“‘Did you two get into a fight?’

‘Edward!’

‘Hi, there. Are you trying to distract me? It’s working.’

‘No, I didn’t fight with Jacob. Much. Why?’

‘I was just wondering why you stabbed him. Not that I object.’”

Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(202PM)

“Hanging out with no one but extremely dexterous people all the time was going to give me a complex.”

Bella Swan, Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

(8:16PM)

“Pride is the crutch of the insecure.”

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

2008-10-03T00:20:36Z

What the Hell?

I’m tired of this bullshit!

Can’t anybody see I’m here and I exist?

What, you don’t care anymore?

What, you can’t see me crawling across the floor?

I’m only there when it’s convenient.

I’m only there to listen to your screaming.

Well guess what?

Life isn’t perfect!

You’re not the only one who’s got problems!

Yeah, you don’t get along with your family.

That’s perfect, that’s great.

Yeah, school’s a bitch and you can’t get by with your grades.

Good to know your friends are second best,

even more so when they’re supposed to be there in your chest!

But you want to know what’s best above it all?

That you sat there and cried as you had to watch me fall.

But the moment they move the body,

the moment I’m gone,

you’re back upon your feet walking down the hall.

Do you miss me at all?

Actions speak louder than words, SO SHOW IT!

Peregrinate

2008-09-21T00:14:38Z

Lost and alone,
I don’t think I’m ever getting home.

Can’t fight the pain,
Can’t get rid of the aches.

I know you’re there.
In the shadows of my nightmares.

The fear I feel,
It’s nonnegotiable.

Trust me.

Panic attacks.
Hyperventilation.

Stupidity at it’s fullest.
Whoever said I was a genius?

I’m giving up hope.
You’re never coming.

How am I supposed to know I have forever?
I could die tomorrow.

I need to live while I’m young.
But first I need to learn how to live.

Someone save me.
I’m drowning in the dark.

Hearing voices.
Moving shadows.

There are eyes in the morning fog.

Can’t get my head above it.
Can’t get air.

It’s not going away,
I’m just getting used to it.

Living on no sleep.
Living on dreams.

Walking with the aches.
Drowning in the pain.

But I keep moving.
I keep going.

The further I go,
The thicker the mud gets.

Can’t see your face anymore.
I can’t remember your voice.

Where have you gone?

All I have is my moving.
One foot after another.

I’m dead on the front,
But I’m screaming underneath.

Can’t anyone hear me?

The Journal: Entry 115-118

2008-09-09T23:36:46Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 115: August 13^th, 2008 (11:35AM)

“About three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, there was part of him-- and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-- that thirsted for my blood.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(12:14PM)

“Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.”

Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(6:17PM)

“‘And what’s there, at the pavement’s end?’ I wondered.”

Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(6:59PM)

“‘So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?’

‘Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.’”

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(9:46PM)

“‘And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...’

‘What a stupid lamb.’

‘What a sick, masochistic lion.’”

Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(9:46PM)

“Bring on the shackles--I’m your prisoner.”

Edward Cullen, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(10:04PM)

“Just because I’m resisting the wine doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the bouquet.”

Edward Cullen, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(10:10PM)

“Are you sure you won’t vanish in the morning? You are mythical after all.”

Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

~~~~

Entry 116: August 14^th, 2008 (4:18PM)

No one can possibly understand true love if their heart has never been broken.

~~~~

Entry 117: August 15^th, 2008 (12:58PM)

“Afraid of a needle. Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV on the other hand...”

Edward Cullen, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

----

“‘When someone wants to kill you, you’re brave as a lion--and then when someone mentions dancing...’

I gulped. Dancing.”

Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

----

“He called you pretty. That’s practically an insult, the way you look right now. You’re much more than beautiful.”

Edward Cullen, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(1:13PM)

“Well Gran, you might have noticed that my boyfriend glitters. It’s just something he does in the sun. Don’t worry about it.”

Bella Swan, New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

(1:58PM)

“Let’s go watch the Capulet’s and the Montague’s hack each other up.”

Bella Swan, New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

~~~~

Entry 118: August 16^th, 2008 (10:01AM)

“No! This is about my soul, isn’t it? Carlisle told me about it and I don’t care, Edward. I don’t care! You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you--it’s yours already.”

Bella Swan, New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

(10:20AM)

“There were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but I walked forward without thinking. I could do nothing else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over.

Love, life, meaning... over.”

Bella Swan, New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

(11:39AM)

“Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”

Bella Swan, New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

(9:45PM)

“My heart, your hands, gentle my friend.

Break my neatly, numb me sweetly.

Say you would, say you could,

Say you’d come and stop the rain.

Say you’d try and hold me tight,

And you just give my away.

Make me high on lullabies,

A melody for me to sway.

Say you would, say you could,

And you don’t do anything.

Come down heavy, try and steady,

Precious ladies, love you, love me.

Say you would, say you could,

Say you’d come and stop the rain.

Say you’d try and hold me tight,

And you just give my away.

Make me high on lullabies,

A melody for me to sway.

Say you would, say you could,

And you don’t do anything.

Hold my head up to the lies that you feed me.

I’ll fall under the spell you cast as you let me down.

Say you would, say you could,

Say you’d come and stop the rain.

Say you’d try and hold me tight,

And you just give me away.

Make me high on lullabies,

A melody for me to sway.

Make me high on lullabies,

A melody for me to sway.

Say you would, say you could,

Say you’d come and stop the rain.

Say you’d try and hold me tight,

And you just give my away.

Make me high on lullabies,

A melody for me to sway.

Say you would, say you could,

And you don’t do anything.

Say you’d come and stop the rain.”

Sway by Vanessa Carlton

The Journal: Entry 109-114

2008-09-09T02:47:44Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 109: August 4^th, 2008 (10:13PM)

“Sometimes you feel like the only thing close to you is your shadow, but you’ve only got a shadow ‘cause there’s light shinning behind you.”

Chris Valdes

~~~~

Entry 110: August 5^th, 2008 (1:56PM)

“Think on it, Wolfkiller.”

Lestat de Lioncourt, The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice

(8:17PM)

“‘Handsome enough’ is this Grim Reaper, who can snuff all these ‘brief candles,’ every fluttering soul sucking the air, from this half.”

Lestat de Lioncourt, The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice

~~~~

Entry 111: August 6^th, 2008 (10:35AM)

“I hide nothing from you, not my ignorance, not my fear, not the simple terror that if I try I might fail. I do not even know if it is mine to give more than once or what is the price of giving it, but I will risk this for you and we will discover it together, whatever the mystery and the terror, just as I’ve discovered alone all else.”

Lestat de Lioncourt, The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice

(12:59PM)

“Hunters of the Savage Garden.”

Lestat de Lioncourt, The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice

(8:03PM)

“I’m Gentleman Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles. The canker in the heart of the rose.”

Lestat de Lioncourt, The Vampire Lestat by Anne Ric

~~~~

Entry 112: August 7^th, 2008 (6:42PM)

“There is no past, just shadows we call memories. There is also no future, just the occasional glimmer of hope.”

Jeremiah

~~~~

113: August 8^th, 2008 (8:24PM)

“We go into the fire or we go into legend.”

Teller of the Tale, The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice

(8:27PM)

“Touched.

You say I am too.

So much of what you say is true.

I’ll never find someone quite like you, again.

I’ll never find someone quite like you, like you.

The razors and the dying roses plead, I don’t leave you alone.

The demi-gods and hungry ghosts of God. God knows I’m not at home.

I’ll never find someone quite like you, again.

I, I looked into your eyes and saw, a world that does not exist.

I looked into your eyes and saw, a world I wish I was in.

I’ll never find someone quite as touched, as you.

I’ll never love someone quite the way that I loved you.”

Touched by Vast

~~~~

Entry 114: August 12^th, 2008 (12:47PM)

“I am the vampire Lestat.

You are here for the Grand Sabbat,

but I pity you, your lot.

You can’t resist the Lord of Night,

They have no mercy on your plight,

In your fear they take delight.

Yet in love, we will take you,

And in rapture, we’ll break you,

And in death, we’ll release you.

No one can say

You were not warned.”

The Vampire Lestat

(12:51PM)

“Children of darkness,

meet the children of light.

Children of man,

Fight the children of night.”

The Vampire Lestat

(1:01PM)

“This is the Age of Innocence

True Innocence

All your demons are invisible

All your Demons are material

Call them Pain

Call them Hunger

Call them War

Mythic evil you don’t need anymore.

Drive out the vampires and the devils

With the gods you no longer adore.

Remember:

The Man with the fangs wears a cloak.

What passes for charm

Is a charm.

Understand what you see

When you see me!

Kill us my brothers and sisters

The war is on

Understand what you see

When you see me.”

The Vampire Lestat

(2:22PM)

“When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.”

Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(4:53PM)

“Stupid, shiny Volvo owner.”

Bella Swan, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

The Journal: Entry 103-107

2008-09-08T01:36:27Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 103: July 9^th, 2008 (7:55PM)

“Sing, O son of Zion; shout, O child of mine.

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind.

I’ve been waiting to dance with you in fields full of colours you have never seen,

And I’ve been waiting to show you beauty you have never dreamed that has always been in you,

And I’ve been waiting you see you tremble as you’re embraced by a world saturated with me love,

And I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say,

‘My child, you are finally home.’

Sing, O son of Zion; shout, O child of mine.

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind.

Sing, O daughter of Zion; cry out, O child of mine.

Dance with all the strength that you can find.

I’ve been waiting to watch you realize what all your longing was for.

I’ve been waiting to show you the thread of grace that ran through all your veins,

And I’ve been waiting to let you drink the water of which your greatest joy on earth was just a taste,

And I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say,

‘My child, you are finally home.’

Sing, O son of Zion; shout, O child of mine.

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind.

Sing, O daughter of Zion; cry out, O child of mine.

Dance with all the strength that you can find.

Every tear you cry dried in the palm of my hand.

Every lonely hour was by my side.

Every loved one lost, every river crossed,

Every moment every hour was pointing to this day.

I’ve been waiting for this day.

I’ve been waiting to dance with you in fields full of colours you have never seen,

And I’ve been waiting to show you beauty you have never dreamed that has always been in you,

And I’ve been waiting to see you tremble as you’re embraced by a world saturated with my love,

And I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say,

‘My child, you are finally home.’

Sing, O son of Zion; shout, O child of mine.

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind.

Sing, or daughter of Zion; cry out, O child of mine.

Dance with all the strength that you can find,

For you are finally home.

Sing, O son of Zion; shout, O child of mine.

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind.

Sing, O daughter of Zion; cry out, O child of mine.

Dance with all the strength that you can find,

For you are finally home.

Sing, O son of Zion; shout, O child of mine.

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind.

Sing, O daughter of Zion; cry out, O child of mine.

Dance with all the strength that you can find,

For you are finally home.

Child of mine.

Finally home.

For you are finally home.”

The Martyr’s Song by Todd Agnew

~~~~

Entry 104: July 14^th, 2008 (11:04PM)

“He who does not lose his wits over certain things, has no wits to lose.”

Gotthold Lessing

----

“Never to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.”

~~~~

Entry 105: July 16^th, 2008 (11:08PM)

“Give credit where credit is due, but owe no man anything.”

~~~~

Entry 106: July 24^th, 2008 (11:15PM)

“‘So which is it?’ asked Foaly. ‘A genius or crazy?’

Root grabbed his tri-barreled blaster from the gun rack. ‘What’s the difference?’”

Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer

~~~~

Entry 107: July 26^th, 2008 (12:03PM)

“Please hold me tightly, I don’t care if I can breathe tonight.”

Where Do I Stab Myself In The Ears by Hawthorne Heights

The Journal: Entry 96-100

2008-09-01T22:35:04Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 96: July 1^st, 2008 (8:10PM)

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which is Aramaic is called Bethsaida and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie--the blind, the lame, the paralyzed--and they waited for the moving of the waters. From time to time an angel of the Lord would come down and stir up the waters. The first one into the pool after each such disturbance would be cured of whatever disease he had.

One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’

‘Sir’, the invalid replied, ‘I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.’

Then Jesus said to him, ‘Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.’ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, and so the Jews said to the man who has been healed, ‘It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.’

But he replied, ‘The man who made me well said to me, “Pick up your mat and walk.”’

So they asked him, ‘Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?’

The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.

Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, ‘See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.’ The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well.

“So, because Jesus was doing these things on the Sabbath, the Jews persecuted him. Jesus said to them, ‘My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, to, am working.’ For this reason the Jews tried all the harder to kill him; not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God.

Jesus gave them this answer: ‘I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, to your amazement he will show him even greater things than these. For just as the Father raises the dead and gives them life, even so the Son gives life to whom he is pleased to give it. Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son, that all may honor the Son just as they honor the Father. He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father, who sent him.

‘I tell you the truth; whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life, and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son to have life in himself. And he has given him authority to judge because he is the Son of Man.

‘Do not be amazed at this, for a time is coming when all who are in their graves will hear his voice and come out--those who have done good will rise to live, and those who have done evil will rise to be condemned. By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.

“‘If I testify myself, my testimony is not valid. There is another who testifies in my favor, and I know that his testimony about me is valid.

‘You have sent to John and he has testified to the truth. Not that I accept human testimony; but I mention it that you may be saved. John was a lamp that burned and gave light, and you chose for a time to enjoy his light.

‘I have testimony weightier than that of John. For the very work that the Father has given me to finish, and which I am doing, testifies that the Father has sent me. And the Father who sent me has himself testified concerning me. You have never heard his voice nor seen his form, nor does his word dwell in you, for you do not believe the one he sent. You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.

‘I do not accept praise from men, but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts. I have come in my Father’s name, and you do not accept me; but if someone else comes in his own name, you will accept him. How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only One?

‘But do not think I will accuse you before the Father. Your accuser is Moses, on whom your hopes are set. If you believed Moses, you would believe me, for he wrote about me. But since you do not believe what he wrote, how are you going to believe what I say?’”

(8:31PM)

Ha, and people think I’m always right. Well how’s that? I’ve known her since I was... what, nine? Eight? And I know almost nothing about her. I could never tell you how she’d react exactly; I could only tell you by watching her actions.

What kind of friend does that tell you I am? I’ll tell you; a damn right sucky, half-ass one.

I should just live under a rock, I mean, honestly.

(11:15PM)

“There is no greater crisis facing humanity than atheism. One hour in the dead of the night with a man who is possessed will shatter the defiance of the staunchest atheist.”

Father Robert Seymour, Dance of the Dead, Adam by Ted DekKer

----

“I don’t blame those who don’t believe in Evil; I pity them. The inhabitants of this planet also once thought the earth was flat. It was their lack of experience that failed to inform them of the truth, not any lack of intelligence.”

Father Robert Seymour, Dance of the Dead, Adam by Ted DekKer

~~~~

Entry 97: July 2^nd, 2008 (10:33AM)

“Destroying all forms of light is evils primary occupation. Its secondary purpose is to do so without being detected. I would say that every human brushes up against the most abject form of evil at least once a day. But they might notice only once every ten years.”

Father Robert Seymour, Dance of the Dead, Adam by Ted DekKer

(8:10PM)

“He wondered where the term ‘basket case’ came from. Maybe they’d caged lunatics in large baskets at one time, before the padded cell was introduced, as a more humane form of imprisonment.”

David Clarke, Adam by Ted DekKer

~~~~

Entry 98: July 3^rd, 2008 (6:54PM)

“Debates about the existence of Satan and God are the stuff of foolish children who are arguing about whether the world ends at the tree line in their backyard. An afternoon adventure into the woods would settle the matter for them. Take a trip with me, sir. I’ll show you the forest. And when you start to scream, I promise to hold your hand.”

Father Robert Seymour, Dance of the Dead, Adam by Ted DekKer

~~~~

Entry 99: July 4^th, 2008 (3:17PM)

I seriously need to stop allowing others’ actions control me so much.

I gave them all my heart with the faith they wouldn’t break it.

Good Merlin, I’m such an idiot.

~~~~

Entry 100: July 5^th, 2008 (1:40PM)

“‘Do not remember, O Lord, our sins--’

‘Too late.’

‘...or the sins of our forefathers. Do not punish us for our offenses and lead us not--’

‘Into the filthy priesthood when we ourselves are so extravagantly guilty of the same sins we hope to absolve the whore of.’

‘And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Save this man, your servant--’

‘You’re barking up the wrong tree, Seymour. Yap, yap, yap’

‘Let the enemy have no victory over him. And let the son of iniquity not succeed in injuring him--’

‘‘cause his body’s a temple and his mind’s already a garbage hole filled with maggots.’

‘Send him help from the Holy Place, Lord. And give him heavenly protection--’

‘A box full of condoms and a book about how it’s all about the vibrations and chemicals will do.’”

Eve and Father Robert Seymour, Adam by Ted DekKer

(4:15PM)

“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be your name.

Thy kingdom come, they will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Hold Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now and shall be forever and ever.

Soul of Christ, sanctify me. Body of Christ, save me.

To you do we cry, poor banished children of Eve.

Deliver this poor soul from darkness, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Within your wounds hide me.

My God, my Jesus, hear me. Within your wounds hide me.”

Hostage to the Devil by Malachi Martin

(4:23PM)

“If only he could scream, his voice would keep him company.

If only he could cry, his tears would be a welcome companion.

If only he could be seen, really seen in this darkness he would be understood, and maybe one of them would care...

A voice broke through the darkness of his mind, ‘Set him free! Set him free, set him free you hear me you filthy spirit from hell!’”

Adam by Ted DekKer

The Journal: Entry 94&95

2008-09-01T00:04:23Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 94: June 29^th, 2008 (3:34PM)

“Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council. He came to Jesus at night and said, ‘Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him.’

In reply Jesus declared, ‘I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.’

‘How can a man be born when he is old?’ Nicodemus asked, ‘Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb to be born!’

Jesus answered, ‘I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, “You must be born again.” The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.’

‘How can this be?’ Nicodemus asked.

‘You are Israel’s teachers,’ said Jesus, ‘and do you not understand these things? I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven--the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.

‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believe in the name of God’s one and only begotten Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.’”

John 3:1-21

“... ‘A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, “I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.” The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.’”

John 3:27-29

“‘The one who comes from above is above all; the one who is from the earth belongs to the earth, and speaks as one from earth. The one who comes from heaven is above all.’”

John 3:31

“‘The Father loves the Son and has placed everything in his hands. Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him.’”

John 3:35&36

(11:45PM)

“Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Each morning I get up I die a little, can barely stand on my feet.

Take a look in the mirror and cry, ‘Lord, what you’re doing to me?

I have spent all my years in believing you, but I just can’t get no relief, Lord!’

Somebody, somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life; I work till I ache my bones.

I get down on my knees, and I start to pray till the tears run down from my eyes,

‘Lord, somebody, somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?’

(He works hard)

Everyday, I try and I try and I try, but everybody wants to put me down, they say I’m going crazy.

They say I got a lot of water in my brain.

Got no common sense.

I got nobody left to believe.

Oh, Lord, somebody, somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?

God no feel, I got no rhythm, I just keep losing my beat.

I’m okay, I’m alright, ain’t gonna face no defeat.

I just gotta get out of this prison cell.

Someday I’m gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love, can anybody find me somebody to love?”

Somebody to Love - Queen

(11:58PM)

What is my point, Lord, what is it? Am I to be left alone, or is there someone out there for me? Please, I must know...

Ah, but... I must be patient and not fall into temptation...

Damn this body and these feelings! I want no distractions...

Yet... how I long for them so.

~~~~

Entry 95: June 30^th, 2008 (11:25AM)

“Now he had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour.

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, ‘Will you give me a drink?’

(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

The Samaritan woman said to him, ‘You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?’ (For Jews do not use dishes Samaritans have used.)

Jesus answered her, ‘If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.’

‘Sir,’ the woman said, ‘you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?’

Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’

The woman said to him, ‘Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.’

He told her, ‘Go, call your husband and come back.’

‘I have no husband,’ she replied.

Jesus said to her, ‘You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now has is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.’

‘Sir,’ the women said, ‘I can see that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.’

Jesus declared, ‘Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshippers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshippers must worship in spirit and in truth.’

The woman said, ‘I know that Messiah is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.’

Then Jesus declared, ‘I who speak to you am he.’

“Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman. But no one asked, ‘What do you want?’ or ‘Why are you talking with her?’

Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, ‘Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?’ They came out of the town and made their way toward him.

Meanwhile his disciples urged him, ‘Rabbi, eat something.’

But he said to them, ‘I have food to eat that you know nothing about.’

Then his disciples said to each other, ‘Could someone have brought him food?’

‘My food,’ said Jesus, ‘is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, “Four months more and then the harvest”? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. Thus the saying “One sows and another reaps” is true. I sent you to reap what you have no worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.’”

John 4:4-38

“Once more he visited Cana in Galilee, where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death.

‘Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders,’ Jesus told him, ‘you will never believe.’

The royal official said, ‘Sir, come down before my child dies.’

Jesus replied, ‘You may go. Your son will live.’

The man took Jesus at his word and departed. While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, ‘The fever left him yesterday at the seventh hour.’

Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus had said to him, ‘Your son will live.’ So he and his entire household believed.”

John 4:46-53

(11:32AM)

Oh, father so many times have I tried to fill that void, quench that thirst all to no avail.

And each time I know I have done wrong and come back to You.

However I always run off again.

Father, I do not know why I am always leaving You. I am sorry.

I try so hard, and yet I know how much I lack.

Please, do what You will with me. I know if You want it anything can become of me.

Change me. Break me and heal me. Teach me.

How I long to be made anew.

----

No, I can’t feel this way. I must fight against it. I must ignore human nature...

Oh, how hard I am going to fall, how broken I will be when I touch the ground...

Father, give me strength!

Satan! Get away from me, I will give into your temptations no more!

The Journal: Entry 86-93

2008-08-31T01:57:32Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 86: June 21^st, 2008 (11:12AM)

"Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: 'In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, "Grant me justice against my adversary."

'For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, "Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!"'

And the Lord said, 'Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?'

"To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 'Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: "God, I thank you that I am not like other men- robbers, evildoers, adulterers- or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get."

'But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

'I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.'

"People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.'

"A certain ruler asked him, 'Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?'

'Why do you call me good?' Jesus answered, 'No one is good- except God alone. You know the commandments: "Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother"'

'All these I have kept since I was a boy,' he said.

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, 'You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'

When he heard this, he became very said, because he was a man of great wealth.

Jesus looked at him and said, 'How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God'

Those who heard this asked, 'Who then can be saved?'

Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with men is possible with God.'

Peter said to him, 'We have left all we had to follow you!'

'I tell you the truth,' Jesus said to them, 'no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.'"

Luke 18:1-30

"As Jesus approached Jericho a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. They told him, 'Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.'

He called out, 'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!'

Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!'

Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, 'What do you want me to do for you?'

'Lord, I want to see,' he replied.

Jesus said to him, 'Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.' Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God."

Luke 18:35-43

~~~~

Entry 87: June 22^nd, 2008 (2:00PM)

"He said: 'A man of noble birth went to a distant country to have himself appointed king and then to return. So he called ten of his servants and gave them ten minas. "Put this money to work," he said, "until I come back."

'But his subjects hated him and sent a delegation after him to say, "We don't want this man to be our king."

'He was made king, however, and returned home. Then he sent for the servants to whom he had given the money, in order to find out what they had gained with it.

'The first one came and said, "Sir, your mina has earned ten more."

'"Well done, my good servant!" his master replied. "Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities."

'The second came and said, "Sir, your mina has earned five more."

'His master answered, "You take charge of five cities."

'Then another servant came and said, "Sir, here is your mina; I have kept it laid away in a piece of cloth. I was afraid of you, because you are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in and reap what you did not sow."

'His master replied, "I will judge you by your own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I am a hard man, taking out what I did not put in, and reaping what I did not sow? Why then didn't you put my money on deposit, so that when I came back, I could have collected it with interest?"

'Then he said to those standing by, "Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas."

'"Sir, they said, "he already has ten!"

'He replied, "I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what he has will be taken away."'"

Luke 19:12-26

"As he approached Bethphage and Bethany at the hill called the Mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying to them, 'Go to the village ahead of you, and as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, "Why are you untying it?" tell him, "The Lord needs it."'

Those who were sent ahead went and found it just as he had told them. As they were untying the colt, its owners asked them, 'Why are you untying the colt?'

They replied, 'The Lord needs it.'

They brought it to Jesus, threw their cloaks on the colt and put Jesus on it. As he went along, people spread their cloaks on the road.

When he came near the place where the road goes down the ..Mount of Olives.., the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:

'Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!'

'Peace in heaven any glory in the highest!'

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, 'Teacher, rebuke your disciples!'

'I tell you,' he replied, 'if they keep quiet the stones will cry out.'"

Luke 19:29-40

~~~~

Entry 88: June 23^rd, 2008 (11:03AM)

"He went on to tell the people this parable: 'A man planted a vineyard, rented it to some farmers and went away for a long time. At harvest time he sent a servant to the tenants so they would give him some of the fruit of the vineyard. But the tenants beat him and sent him away empty-handed. He sent another servant, but that one also they beat and treated shamefully and sent away empty-handed. He sent still a third, and they wounded him and threw him out.

'Then the owner of the vineyard said, "What shall I do? I will send my son, whom I love; perhaps they will respect him."

'But when the tenants saw him, they talked the matter over. "This is the heir," they said, "Let's kill him, and the inheritance will be ours." So they threw him out of the vineyard and killed him.

'What then will the owner of the vineyard do to them? He will come and kill those tenants and give the vineyard to others.'

When people heard this, they said, 'May this never be!'

Jesus looked directly at them and asked, 'Then what is the meaning of that which is written:

'"The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone?"

'Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed.'

The teachers of the law and the chief priests looked for a way to arrest him immediately, because they knew he had spoken this parable against them. But they were afraid of the people."

Luke 20: 9-18

"So the spies questioned him: 'Teacher, we know that you speak and teach what is right, and that you do not show partiality but teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?'

He saw through their duplicity and said to them, 'Show me a denarius. Whose portrait and inscription are on it?'

'Caesar's', they replied

He said to them, 'Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's.'"

Luke 20:21-25

"He is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for to him all are alive."

Luke 20:38

(10:01PM)

No, enough. I'm not some weak chick who needs protecting. I can take care of myself, think whatever you want.

My mother taught me early on how to be a strong woman, and that is exactly what I am.

I am sick and tired of playing that damsel in distress role, that's not who I am.

You are not controlling me any longer. None of you. I am letting go of you all.

I'm starting anew.

I'm changing.

Just you wait and see.

(10:43PM)

Papa, thank you for showing me and teaching me things I've never dreamed of.

Please continue to teach and lead me.

I love you. Thank you.

(10:55PM)

"As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small cooper coins.

'I tell you the truth,' he said, 'this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty out in all she had to live on.'"

Luke 21:1-4

"He replied: 'Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, "I am he", and "The time is near". Do not follow them. When you hear of wars and revolutions, do not be frightened. These things must happen first, but the end will not come right away.'

Then he said to them: 'Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.

'But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. This will result in your being witnesses to them. But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. All men will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will parish. By standing firm you will gain life.

'When you see Jerusalem being surrounded by armies, you will know that its desolation is near. Then let those who are in ..Judea.. flee to the mountains, let those in the city get out, and let those in the country not enter the city. For this is the time of punishment in the fulfillment of all that has been written.

'How dreadful it will be for pregnant women and nursing mothers! There will be great distress in the land and wrath against this people. They will fall by the sword and will be taken as prisoners to all the nations. Jerusalem will be trampled on by the Gentiles until the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled.

'There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. Men will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken. At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption if drawing near.'"

Luke 21:8-28

"'I tell you the truth, this race will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.

'Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with depression, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap. For it will come upon all those who live on the face of the whole earth. Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.'"

Luke 21-32-36

~~~~

Entry 89: June 24^th, 2008 (11:42PM)

"'Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.'"

Luke 22:31&32

"Then Jesus asked them, 'When I sent you without a purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?'

'Nothing', they answered."

Luke 22:35

"Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olive, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, 'Pray that you will not fall into temptation.'

He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.' An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. 'Why are you sleeping?' he asked them. 'Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.'"

Luke 22:39-46

----

Please help me to pray, and not sleep, so I do not fall into temptation.

~~~~

"As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus. A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. Jesus turned and said to them, 'Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children. For the time will come when you will say, "Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!" Then "they will say to the mountains, 'Fall on us!' and to the hills, 'Cover us!'" For is men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?'

Two others men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals- one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, 'He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One.'

The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, 'If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.'

There was written notice above him, which read: This Is The King Of The Jews.

One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: 'Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!'

But the other criminal rebuked him, 'Don't you fear God,' he said, 'since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.'

Then he said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come with your kingly power.'

Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.'

"It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, 'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.' When he had said this, he breathed his last.

The centurion, seeing what has happened, praised God and said, 'Surely this was a righteous man.'"

Luke 23:26-47

(11:04AM)

Your love is unmatchable, Your grace is infallible, Your mercy is so wonderful.

Thank You, just thank You. What else could one as I say?

I will praise You all my life, for You are amazing.

~~~~

Entry 91: June 26^th, 2008 (7:43AM)

"On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.

While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, 'Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee:

"The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again."' Then they remembered the words.

When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened.

"Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem. They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.

He asked them, 'What are you discussing together as you walk along?'

They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, 'Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?'

'What things?' he asked.

'About Jesus of Nazareth,' they replied. 'He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning but didn't find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see.'

He said to them, 'How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?' And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus acted as if he were going farther. But they urged him strongly, 'Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.' So he went in to stay with them.

When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. They asked each other 'Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?'

They got up and returned at once to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together and saying, 'It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.'

Then the two told what had happened on the way, and how Jesus was recognized by them when he broke the bread.

"While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, 'Pease be with you.'

They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. He said to them 'Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.'

When he had said this, he showed them his hands and feet. And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, 'Do you have anything here to eat?' They gave him a piece of broiled fish, and he took it and ate it in their presence.

He said to them, 'This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms.'

Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them, 'This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. You are witnesses of these things. I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.'

"When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them. While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. Then they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy. And they stayed continually at the temple, praising God."

John 24:1-53

~~~~

Entry 92: June 27^th, 2008 (11:18AM)

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.

Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it.”

John 1:1-5

“He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God--children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the Only Begotten, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”

John 1:10-14

“From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the Only Begotten, who is at the Father’s side, has made him know.”

John 1:16-18

~~~~

Entry 93: June 28^th, 2008 (9:39PM)

“On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone Jesus’ mother said to him, ‘They have no more wine.’

‘Dear women, why do you involve me?’ Jesus replied. ‘My time has not yet come.’

His mother said to the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’

Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

Jesus said to the servants, ‘Fill the jars with water’; so they filled them to the brim.

Then he told them, ‘Now draw some out and take it o the master of the banquet.’

They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. The he called the bridegroom aside and said, ‘Everyone brings out the choice wine first, and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.’

This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed at Cana in Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him.

“After this he went down to Capernaum with his mother and brothers and his disciples. There they stayed for a few days.

When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, ‘Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!’

His disciples remembered that it is written: ‘Zeal for your house will consume me.’

Then the Jews demanded of him, ‘What miraculous sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?’

Jesus answered them, ‘Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.’

The Jews replied, ‘It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?’ But the temple he had spoken of was his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the Scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken.

Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many people saw the miraculous signs he was doing and believed in him. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men. He did not need man’s testimony about man, for he knew what was in a man.”

John 2

The Journal: Entry 80-85

2008-08-31T01:52:45Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 80: June 12^th, 2008 (12:02PM)

"One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, 'Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.'

He said t them, 'When you pray, say: "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

'"Give us each day our daily bread.

'"Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."

Then he said to them, 'Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, "Friend, lend me three loaves of bread,

'"because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, ad I have nothing to set before him."

'Then the one inside answers, "Don't bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can't get up and give you anything"

'I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs.'

'So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

'For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

'Which one of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?

'Or is he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?

'If you then, though you are evil, know how t give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!'

Jesus was driving out a demon that was mute. When the demon left, the man who had been mute spoke, and the crowd was amazed.

But some of them said, 'By Beelzebub, the prince of demons, he is driving out demons.'

Others tested him by asking for a sign from heaven.

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: 'Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.

'If Satan is divided against himself, how can his kingdom stand? I say this because you claim that I drive out demons by Beelzebub.

'Now if I drive out demons by Beelzebub, by whom do your followers drive them out? So then, they will be your judges.

'But if I drive out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come to you.'

'When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are safe.

'But when someone stronger attacks and overpowers him, he take away the armor in which the man trusted and divides up the spoils.

'He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me, scatters.

'When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, "I will return to the house I left."

'When it arrives, it finds the house swept, clean, and out in order.

'Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first.'

As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, 'Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.'

He replied, 'Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.'"

Luke 11:1-28

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead, he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.

Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, you whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body is full of darkness.

See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.

Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you."

Luke 11:33-36

(12:05PM)

Father, help me to not keep the small light within me locked up, but rather hold it out for everyone to see.

~~~~

Entry 81: June 13^th, 2008 (5:37PM)

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made know.

What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.

I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more.

But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear whom who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?

Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God.

But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God.

And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.

When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say,

for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."

Luke 12:2-12

"Then he said to them, 'Watch out! Be on guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.'

And he told them this parable: 'The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop.

'He though to himself, "What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops."

Then he said, "This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods.

'"And I'll say to myself, 'You have plenty of good things lair up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink, and be merry.'"

'But God said to him, "You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?"

'This is how it will be with anyone who stores up tings for himself but is not rich toward God.'

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body; what you will wear.

'Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.

'Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

'Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

'Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

'Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

'If that is how God clothes the grass o the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will be clothe you, O you of little faith!

'And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.

'For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.

'But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

"'Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

'Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.

'For where your treasure is there, you heart will be also.'

"'Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning,

'like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him.

'It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. I tell you the truth, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them.

'It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the second or third watch of the night.

'But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broke into.

'You also must be ready, because the Song of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.'

Peter asked, 'Lord, are you telling this parable to us, or to everyone?'

The Lord answered, 'Who then is the faithful manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time?

'It will be good for that servant whom the master finds doing so when he returns.

'I tell you the truth, he will put him in charge of all his possessions.

'But suppose the servant says to himself, "My master is taking a long time in coming," and he then begins to beat the menservants and maidservants and to eat and drink and get drunk.

'The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not away of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.

'That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows.

'But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.'

"'I have come to bring fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled!

'But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is completed!

'Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division.

'From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three.

'They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.'"

Luke 12:15-53

~~~~

Entry 82: June 14^th, 2008 (9:40PM)

Father, forgive me for running away from you. Forgive me for setting you aside time and time again. Forgive me for not listening, for not obeying.

Forgive me for doing things and putting them under your name.

Forgive me for following blindly so many unholy things.

Father, I want to follow your word, speak to me. Teach me how to listen.

(9:51PM)

"Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices.

Jesus answered, 'Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way?

'I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.

'Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them- do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem?

'I tell you, no! But unless you repent you too will all perish.'

Then he told this parable: 'A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not fid any.

'So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, "For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?"

'"Sir," the man replied, "leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it.

'"If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down."'"

Luke 13:1-9

"Then Jesus asked, 'What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to?

'It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds of the air perched in its branches.'

Again he asked, 'What shall I compare the kingdom of God to?

'It is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough.'

"Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem.

Someone asked him, 'Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?' He said to them,

'Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to.

'Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, "Sir, open the door for us."

'But he will answer, "I don't know you or where you come from."

'Then you will say, "We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets."

'But he will reply, "I don't know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!"

'There will be weeping, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and all the prophets I the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out.

'People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God.

'Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.'"

Luke 13:18-30

(9:53PM)

Oh, Lord, may I walk through that door, may my visions from the past not be hopeful dreams. May they be prophesies.

I long to be with you. Work me.

(10:02PM)

"Nothing in life is as important as attitude. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace. We cannot change out past…the only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it. And so it is with…we are in charge of our attitudes."

~Chuck Surindoll

(10:11PM)

"If you want to identify the hidden strongholds in your life, you need only to survey the attitudes of your heart. Every area in your thinking that glistens with hope in God is an area liberated by Christ. But any system of thinking that has no hope is a stronghold that must be pulled down."

~Francis Frangipane

(10:17PM)

Father, I do not want to be one of doubt. Break me free of my doubt. I want to be able to expect an answer when I speak with you. Please. Break me.

~~~~

Entry 83: June 17^th, 2008 (10:45PM)

"When someone invites you to a wedding feast, o not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited.

If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, 'Give this man your seat.' Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place.

But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, 'Friend, move up to a better place.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all your fellow guests.

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Luke 14:8-14

"Jesus replied: 'A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests.

'At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who have been invited, "Come, for everything is now ready."

'But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, "I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me."

'Another said, "I have just bought give yoke of oxen, and I'm on my way to try them out. Please excuse me."

'Still another said, "I just got married, so I can't come."

'The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, "Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame."

'"Sir", the servant said, "what you ordered has been done, but there is still room."

'Then the master told his servant, "Go out to the roads and the country lanes and make them come in, so that my house will be full.

'"I tell you, not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.'"

Luke 14:16-24

We all openly refuse God's invitations to us for us to join Him. We readily make stupid idiot excuses, even though He has made and planned for us great things we could never imagine.

God is a jealous God, so just like a father to a child he rebukes us when we disobey. When we do something we shouldn't, and know what we shouldn't. He rebukes us and reprimands us so we may learn, grow, and become all we can be.

But God is also a loving, graceful, and merciful God, so as a father still loves, protects, and welcomes his child back into his home and arms when that child turns their back on their father, God does so to us when we walk away from Him.

There is always and always will be forgiveness at His door step.

I love You, Father, thank You.

(10:48PM)

"And anyone who does not carry his cross and follows me cannot be my disciple.

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?

For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him,

saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men t oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?

If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace.

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?

It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

Luke 14:27-35

~~~~

Entry 84: June 18^th, 2008 (10:56AM)

"'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?

'And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders

'and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.'

'I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

"'Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it?

And when she fins it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.'

In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.

"Jesus continued: 'There was a man who had two sons.

'The younger one said to his father, "Father, give me my share of the estate." So he divided his property between them.

'Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.

'After her had spent everything, there was a severe famine I that whole country, and he began to be in need.

'So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feet pigs.

'He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

'When he came to his sense, he said, "How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!

'"I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.

'"I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men."

'So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

'The son said to him, "Father, I have sinner against heaven and against you. I am not longer worthy to be called your son."

'But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.

'"Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate.

'"For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." So they began to celebrate.'"

Luke 15:4-24

(10:41PM)

Here it is again. Uncommon knowledge for a seventeen year old.

But why is it uncommon? Because its common sense to me. But apparently it isn't that way for everyone else… So does that make me uncommon?

It's only during times like these I may agree.

Once again here I am wishing I understood this all. Wishing I knew what my point was.

I would be going insane, but I guess I have more faith than that.

I wish I had enough faith to not doubt that God will answer me when I ask Him to.

Kinda ironic that if I didn't doubt He would… but I guess that's the point…

(10:54PM)

"Jesus told his disciples: 'There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions.

'So he called him in and asked him, "What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer."

'The manager said to himself, "What shall I do now? My master is taking my job, I'm not strong enough to dig, and I'm ashamed to bed-

'"I know what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses."

'So he called in each one of his master's debtors. He asked the first, "How much do you owe my master?"

'"Eight hundred gallons of olive oil," he replied. The manager told him, "Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred."

'Then he asked the second, "And how much do you owe?" "A thousand bushels of wheat," he replied. He told him, "Take your bill and make it eight hundred."

'The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light.

'I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.

'Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

'So if you have no been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches?

'And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?

'No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.'

The Pharisees, who loved money, heard all this and were sneering at Jesus.

He said to them, 'You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight.'"

Luke 16:1-15

"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day.

At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores

and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried.

In Hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side.

So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony.

'And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house,

'for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even I someone rises from the dead.'"

Luke 16:19-31

(10:58PM)

Passage 1-15 in Like 16 can be used for more than telling oneself and others that one cannot love God and money at the same time. Replace money with anything else worldly. Even great love from humans and God will say just about the same thing. You cannot place a single idol in front of God. No matter what that idol is.

God must come first, always. He must be in everything you do, say, live, and breathe.

~~~~

Entry 85: June 19^th, 2008 (7:02AM)

"Jesus said to his disciples: 'Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come.

'It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.

'So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.

'If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, "I repent", forgive him.'

The apostles said to the Lord, 'Increase our faith!'

He replied, 'If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, "Be uprooted and planted in the sea", and it will obey you.

'Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, "Come along now and sit down to ear"?

'Would he not rather say, "Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink"?

'Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do?

'So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, "We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty."'

"Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee.

As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance

and called out in a loud voice, 'Jesus, Master, have pity on us!'

When he saw them, he said, 'Go, show yourselves to the priests.' And as they went, they were cleansed.

One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice.

He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him- and he was a Samaritan.

Jesus asked, 'Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?

'Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?'

Then he said to him, 'Rise and go; your faith has made you well.'"

Luke 17:1-19

"Ingrates. Unappreciative jerks. Losers. Jesus healed ten lepers, and nine of them didn't even have the decency to come back and say thank you. How dare they?! Of course, you'd be the one who came back to say thanks. Wouldn't you? Because of course you've thanked God lately, really thanked him with all your heart for sending Jesus to die on the cross, for forgiving your sins, for continuing to love and forgive you each time you fail him, for giving you strength and joy to face each day, for the hope of heaven… Haven't you?"

(7:09AM)

"Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come Jesus replied, 'The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, "Here it is", or "There is its", because the kingdom of God is among you.'

Then he said to his disciples, 'The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it. Men will tell you, "There he is!" or "Here he is!" Do not go running off after them. For the Son of Man in his day will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.

'Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.

'It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all.

'It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go back down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. Remember Lot's wife! Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left.'

'Where, Lord?' they asked.

He replied, 'Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather.'"

Luke 17:20-37

The Journal: Entry 77-79

2008-08-31T01:50:06Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where you have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be, and peace be with you.

Entry 77: May 25^th, 2008 (11:43PM)

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer.

Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes.

Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings

From the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me."

Psalm 17:6-9

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call to the Lord, who is worthy of my praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

The cords of Sheol coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears."

Psalm 18: 2-6

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

With your help I can run against a barricade; with my God I can scale a wall.

As for God his ways are perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except for our God?

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like the feet of a dear; he enables me to stand on the heights.

He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; and your stoop down to make me great.

You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."

Psalm 18:28-36

"You know a battle isn't necessarily hand-to-hand combat out on a battlefield. We all fight battles every day. Do you struggle in speech class, terrified to get up and speak? Do you dread calculus class and complex equations? Or how about running that timed mile in gym class? Whatever difficulties you face- academic challenges, unkind peers, tension at home- God goes with you. He understands that some areas in your life feel like a battlefield. And just as God helped David, who needed strength for the battle, he's ready and willing to help you too."

(11:46PM)

Good. I'm happy this is a game to you. I'm happy you say one thing and do another. I'm happy you say you give a flying pig's ass you care and act like you don't.

I'm happy you have no idea that almost made me cry. I'm happy you really can't read me.

Honestly, this is not sarcasm… Even if it does still hurt.

~~~~

Entry 78: June 10^th, 2008 (11:23PM)

Break my heart.

Make me cry.

You still won't be able to keep me on the ground.

I will always raise back up again, baby, no matter how long I'm down.

There's no getting rid of me.

(11:31PM)

Okay, so I've basically given up on Your love for me. Even though that really messes me up.

You've been ignoring my calls. Every word I've said to You.

At least You haven't made yourself known.

What do You want from me? Nothing I've ever done or given has meant anything.

You took away everything I've relied on, and You didn't even leave Yourself.

What do You want me to make when You give me nothing?

No sign.

Nothing.

You're supposed to answer when I call You. You promised…

June 10^th, 2008, 11:30PM on the dot.

I have no more faith when it comes to my own sanctification.

~~~~

Entry 79: June 11^th, 2008 (12:30AM)

"'A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattered the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up.

'Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture.

'Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants.

'Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.' When he said this, he called out, 'He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'

His disciples asked him what this parable meant.

He said, 'The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, "though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand."

'This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God.

'Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved.

'Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away.

'The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature.

'But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by preserving produce a good crop.'"

"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand so that those who come in can see the light.

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."

Luke 8:5-18

"One day Jesus said to his disciples, 'Let's go over to the other side of the lake.' So they got into a boat and set out.

As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.

They disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Master, Master, we're gong to drown!' He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm.

'Where is your faith?' he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, 'Who is this? He commands even the wings and the water, and they obey him.'"

Luke 8:22-25

"When Jesus stepped ashore, he was met by a demon-possessed man from the town. For a long time his man had not worn clothes or lived in a house, but had lived in the tombs.

When he saw Jesus, he cried out and fell at his feet, shouting at the top of his voice, 'What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I beg you, don't torture me!'

For Jesus had commanded the unclean spirit to come out of the man. Many times it had seized him, and though he was chained hand and foot and kept under guard, he had broken his chains and had been driven by the demon into solitary places.

Jesus asked him, 'What is your name?' 'Legion,' he replied, because many demons had gone into him.

And they begged him repeatedly not to order them to go into the Abyss.

A large herd of pigs was feeding there on the hillside. The demons begged Jesus to let them go into them, and he gave them permission.

When the demons came out of the man, they went into the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and was drowned.

When those tending the pigs saw what had happened, they ran off and reported this in the town and countryside,

and the people went out to see what had happened. When they came to Jesus, they found the man from whom the demons had gone out, sitting at Jesus' feet, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid.

Those who had seen it told the people how the demon-possessed man had been cured.

Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear. So he got into the boat and left.

The man from whom the demons had gone out begged to go with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying,

'Return home and tell how much God has done for you.' So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.

"Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him.

Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house

because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying. As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him.

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, and she had spent all she had on doctors, but no one could heal her.

She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.

'Who touched me?' Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, 'Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.'

But Jesus said, 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.'

Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed.

Then he said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.'

While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. 'Your daughter is dead,' he said, 'Don't bother the teacher any more.'

Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, 'Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.'

When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother.

Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. 'Stop wailing', Jesus said. 'She is not dead but asleep.'

They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead.

But he took her by the hand and said, 'My child, get up!'

Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat."

Luke 8:27-55

(12:34AM)

Even though I have no faith, I struggle on. So then, perhaps, it is not faith I lack, no, not even hope. Not even trust, for I continue on.

What is inside me that forces this guilt and need upon me?

Faith?

Hope?

Trust?

Maybe I just want a second chance, for belief I do not lack.

I know what will happen to me if I do not believe.

So, then, I continue to bed and grovel.

(12:38AM)

Father, may I not be a seed that has fallen along the path, the rock, the thorns.

Even though my belief has granted you nothing so far, if it is Your will it will be done.

Mold me into the child You want me to be.

(12:42AM)

Give me faith Lord, through this ongoing turmoil, this storm.

Give me whatever it is I need to survive.

Rid me of my demons. The evils that live in my thoughts. My days.

Protect me while I go through this time.

Give me strength.

Guidance.

Help me to hear You when You speak to me.

I long for Your presence, Your comfort.

Why are You gone? Why can't I feel you?

I need You…

Please come back…

(10:46AM)

"Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

'For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

'What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

'If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, then Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels.'"

Luke 9:23-26

"The he said to them, 'Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For he who is least among you all- he is the greatest.'

'Master,' said John, 'we saw a man driving out demons in your name and we tried to stop him, because he is not one of us.'

'Do not stop him,' Jesus said, 'for whoever is not against you is for you.'"

Luke 9:48-50

(10:50AM)

One must be broken before they can be fixed.

Oh, how mighty is the power of the Lord.

We overstep our boundaries, but as soon as we acknowledge our sins we are welcomed.

Everything is not fixed, no, I have much learning and growing to do.

Father, protect me while I am weak and unable to protect myself.

Keep the demons from me, so I will not falter.

Be my teacher.

(11:02AM)

"After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go.

He told them, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.

'Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves.

'Do not take a purse or bag or sandals; and do not greet anyone on the road.

'When you enter a house, first say, "Peace to this house."

'If a man of peace is there, your peace will rest on him; if not, it will return to you.

'Stay in that house, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house.

'When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is set before you.

'Heal the sick who are there and tell them, "The kingdom of God is near you."

'But when you enter a town and are not welcomed, go into its streets and say,

"Even the dust of your town that sticks to our feet we wipe off against you. Yet be sure of this: The kingdom of God is near."

'I tell you, it will be more bearable on that day for Sodom than for that town.'"

Luke 10:1-12

"The seventy-two returned with joy and said, 'Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.'

He replied, 'I saw Satan fall like lightening from heaven.

'I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.

'However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.

'All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows who the Son is except the Father, and no one knows who the Father is except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

Then he turned to his disciples and said privately, "Blessed are the eyes that see what you see.

'For I tell you that many prophets and kings wanted to see what you see but did not see it and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.'

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. 'Teacher,' he asked, 'what must I do to inherit eternal life?'

'What is written in the Law?' he replied. 'How do you read it?'

He answered: '"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"; and, "Love your neighbor as yourself."'

'You have answered correctly,' Jesus replied, 'Do this and you will live.'

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, 'And who is my neighbor?'

In reply Jesus said: 'A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead.

'A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the ma, he passed by on the other side.

'So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed on the other side.

'But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him.

'He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took hum to an inn and took care of him.

'The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. "Look after him", he said, "and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have."

'Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?'

The expert I the law replied, 'The one who had mercy on him.' Jesus told him, 'God and do likewise.'

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.

She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said.

But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things.

'but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.'"

Luke 10:17-42

(11:06AM)

Father, once again forgive me for focusing on the Gifts, and little details, instead of focusing on You.

Thank You for giving me those gifts and then taking them away, so I may learn and teach others.

Please, also teach me how to love people without holding back. Teach me how to help others when no one else will. When I don't want to.

Give me the strength to let go of my boundaries, my fears.

The Journal: Entry 73-76

2008-05-18T22:58:39Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where You have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be.

Entry 73: May 5th, 2008 (1:33PM)

Nothing but a temptress of the Hellish seas, leading men astray with innocent looks and seductive actions.

They tear their lives apart body piece by body piece. Give her everything she asks for.

She kills them with her poisonous love.

Lust.

A field of decaying flesh and half dead men; who would ever wish to support such a thing?

There is no escape.

How I wish I could flee. Leave those innocents behind. How can I protect something I’m destroying?

The waters of those seas are but blood and tears. Souls of those long and forgotten trapped beneath; the new victims floating on top.

How many men does it take to heal a woman’s broken heart?

Zero.

Because it’s not possible.

Heed my warning fare souls that surround her; flee! Take hast, leave in the opposite direction!

For your life is sure to end.

Or worse.

(1:41PM)

“One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around him and listening the word of God,

he saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets.

He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, ‘Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.’

Simon answered, ‘Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.’

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.

So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, ‘Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!’

For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken,

And so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, ‘Don’t be afraid; from now on you will catch men.’

So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.’”

Luke 5:1-11

“While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, ‘Lord, if you are willing you can make me clean.’

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ And immediately the leprosy left him.

Then Jesus ordered him, ‘Don’t tell anyone, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.’

Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses.

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”

Luke 5:12-16

“Some men came carrying a paralytic on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus.

When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said, ‘Friend, your sins are forgiven.’

The Pharisees and the teachers of the law began thinking to themselves, ‘Who is this fellow who speaks blasphemy? Who can forgive sins but God alone?’

Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, ‘Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?

‘Which is easier: to say, “Your sins are forgiven”, or to say, “Get up and walk”?

‘But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins…” He said to the paralyzed man, ‘I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.’”

Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God.”

Luke 5:18-25

“Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them.

But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, ‘Why do you eat and rink with tax collectors and “sinners”?’

Jesus answered them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

‘I have no come to call the righteous, but the sinners repentance.’”

Luke 5:29-32

(1:43PM)

Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful woman.

Lord, if you are willing, You can make me clean.

Free me.

~~~~

Entry 74: May 6^th, 2008 (10:20PM)

“Looking at his disciples, he said: ‘Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

‘Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

‘Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil because of the Son of Man.

‘Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.

‘But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.

‘Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep.

‘Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.’

‘But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

‘bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

‘If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.

‘Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

‘Do to others as you would have them do to you.

‘If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even “sinners” love those who love you.

‘And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even “sinners” do that.

‘And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even “sinners” lend to “sinners”, expecting to be repaid in full.

‘But love your enemies, do good to them, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

‘Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.’

He also told them this parable: ‘Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a put?

‘A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.

‘Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

‘How can you say to your brother, “Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,” when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, fist take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

‘No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.

‘Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers.

‘The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

‘Why do you call me, “Lord, Lord,” and do not do what I say?

‘I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice.

‘He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.

‘But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.’”

Luke 6

(10:30PM)

Damn all of this bullshit. I can’t take it, I can’t take it.

How did you know? How do you always know?

Please understand I don’t want this.

But I do.

But I know I shouldn’t.

God, damn these things, damn them!

Free me.

~~~~

Entry 75: May 7^th, 2008 (10:49PM)

“When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum.

There a centurion’s servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die.

The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant.

When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, ‘This man deserves to have you do this,

‘because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue.’

So Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: ‘Lord, don’t trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my rook.

‘That is why I did not even consider myself worth to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed.

‘For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, “God”, and he goes; and that one, “Come”. And he comes. I say to my servant, “Do this”, and he does it.’

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, ‘I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel.’

Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.

“Soon afterward, Jesus went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a large crowd went along with him.

As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out; the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her.

When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, ‘Don’t cry.’

Then he went up and touched the coffin, and those carrying it stood still. He said, ‘Young man, I say to you, get up!’

The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother.”

Luke 7:1-15

“Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table.

When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned tat Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume,

And as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, ‘If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is; that she is a sinner.’

Jesus answered him, ‘Simon, I have something to tell you.’ ‘Tell me, teacher,’ he said.

‘Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.

‘Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?’

Simon replied, ‘I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.’ ‘You have judged correctly,’ Jesus said.

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.

‘You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.

‘You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.

‘Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.’

Then Jesus said to her, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’

The other guests began to say among themselves, ‘Who is this who even forgives sins?’

Jesus said to the woman, ‘Your faith has saved you; go in peace.’”

Luke 7:36-50

(10:55PM)

I do not know why I trouble myself. I blow everything out of proportion and cause myself to be sick.

I love my friends. They mean the world to me. I would do anything for them.

Even though they are sinners.

Even though they could be so much better, I would die for them.

As they would for me.

I hope.

I am so very stressed, and drained, and exhausted. I can’t think straight.

I need healing.

I need... a Savior.

Blaaaaaaah. I’m going to stop writing now.

~~~~

Entry 76: May 18^th, 2008 (3:20PM)

They are my pack. They are my children. I must rebuke them. Teach them. And they must rebel.

Children hurt their parents. There’s no denying that.

I am their mother, so I will be hurt.

But why doesn’t that ease the pain? I’ve always known I’d be taken for granted.

The happiness of others will be my destruction.

That’s nothing new.

I love them.

I would do anything for them.

Die for them.

So why can’t they see?

When they are as I am... No... they will never see.

Love Me

2008-05-04T21:48:09Z

Can't you see the pain in my eyes,
can't you see through my lies?

Hear my heart beat crying out,
soothe my tears.

Love me.

At night my dreams begin,
things that will never take place.

My mind betrays me.
Why must these thoughts haunt me?

I scream for freedom.

Someone pray for me,
I don't know what I need.

Someone save me.
Hold me.

Love me.

Take Me

2008-05-04T21:44:39Z

My soul split in three,
I’m so hollow.
I give myself up,
and you tear me down.

Take me or leave me,
you leave me.

Don’t blame yourself,
all fault lies beneath me,
I start it all.

This is my punishment.

My soul split in three,
I’m so hollow.
I give myself up,
and you tear me down.

Take me or leave me,
you leave me.

What am I to you,
such a rare wine?
What a liar you have shown to be.

No, no hate must I allow.
No sadness.
I have not been betrayed.
Feelings change.

People change.

Lives change.

My soul split in three,
I’m so hollow.
I give myself up,
and you tear me down.

Take me or leave me,
you leave me.

Force myself to let go,
Force myself to die away.
Wear a mask.
But must not forget who’s beneath.

Who is beneath?

The Journal: Entry 70-72

2008-05-04T21:04:13Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where You have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be.

Entry 70: April 21^st, 2008 (1:43PM)

“In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee,

to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of Dace. The virgin’s name was Mary.

The angel went to her and said, ‘Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.’

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what king of meeting this might be.

But the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.

‘You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus.

‘He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David,

‘and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.’

‘How will this be,’ Mary asked the angel, ‘since I am a virgin?’

The angel answered, ‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most high will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.

‘Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month.

‘For nothing is impossible with God.’

‘I am the Lord’s servant,’ Mary answered. ‘May it be to me as you have said.’ Then the angel left her.”

Luke 1:26-38

“At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea,

where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth.

When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

In a loud voice she exclaimed: ‘Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear!

‘But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?

‘As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.

‘Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!’”

Luke 1:39-45

“Salvation from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us-

to show mercy to our fathers and to remember his holy covenant,

the oath he swore to our father Abraham:

to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to enable us to serve him without fear

in holiness and righteousness before him all our days.”

Luke 1:71-75

“Because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven

to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.”

Luke 1:78&79

(1:47PM)

Oh, those things I thought and believed! How I wish I had written them down. How I wish I remember them now...

Did they have true meaning? Or were they just a child’s fantasy... Prophesy...

Father, lead me through these times. Collect your daughter into Your arms. How I miss your presence...

I don’t want the dramatics, I just want the truth.

I am your servant. May Your will be done.

~~~~

Entry 71: April 25^th, 2008

“John said to the crowds coming out to be baptized by him, ‘You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?

‘Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, “We have Abraham as our father.” For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham.

‘The ax is already at the toot of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.’

‘What should we do then?’ the crowd asked.

John answered, ‘The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same.’”

Luke 3:7-11

“John answered them all, ‘I baptize you in water. But the one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.

‘His winnowing tork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.’”

Luke 3:16&17

~~~~

Entry 72: May 1^st, 2008 (2:46PM)

“Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert,

where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry.

The devil said to him, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.’

Jesus answered, ‘It is written: “Man does not live on bread alone.”’

The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world.

And he said to him, ‘I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to.

‘So if you worship me, it will all be yours.’

Jesus answered, ‘It is written: “Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.”’

The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ‘If you are the Son of God,’ he said, ‘throw yourself down from here.

‘For it is written: “He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;

‘“they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”’

Jesus answered, ‘It says: “Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”’

Luke 4:1-12

“Jesus said to them, ‘Surely you will quote this proverb to me: “Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.”

‘I tell you the truth,’ he continued, ‘no prophet is accepted in his hometown.

‘I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah’s time, when the sky was hut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land.

‘Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon.

‘And there were many in Israel with leprosy in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed-only Naaman the Syrian.’

All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this.

They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff.

But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.”

Luke 4:23-30

“Jesus left the synagogue and went to the home of Simon. Now Simon’s mother-in-law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Jesus to help her.

So he bent over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up at once and began to wait on them.

When the sun was setting, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them.

Moreover, demons came out of many people, shouting, ‘You are the Son of God!’ But he rebuked them and would not allow them to speak because they knew he was the Christ.”

Luke 4:38-41

----

God, damn these things that haunt my mind! How they trouble my heart...

Father, give me discernment, I do not know what to do.

I wish of You to take these thoughts, these feelings away from me. I do not want them.

Take them away!

I do not want to fall away from you once more.

Devil get thee behind me! I shall not allow you to control me. You can not control me!

Father, give me the strength to live my life...

The Journal: Entry 66-69

2008-05-04T21:02:48Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where You have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be.

Entry 66: April 11^th, 2008 (10:44AM)

I don’t think you know how hard it is for me to deal with this. I don’t think you see the pain that is in my heart.

This is why we are so apart. But you can’t even acknowledge that, can you?

I can be a sensitive person, and I can take the wrong things to heart. I need people to explain their actions, their words, else I am lost.

You don’t know how to deal with me, no one does.

But I don’t wear that on my sleeve.

Sometimes I do know when to hold my tongue, sometimes I do know when to stand my ground.

You tell us to accept you for who you are. This is us doing so.

If it hurts, maybe you should step back and take a look around.

Without pinning the blame on everyone else for once, will you?

(11:05AM)

“‘Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the body is weak.’”

Mark 14:38

~~~~

Entry 67: April 15^th, 2008 (10:55AM)

Someone save me from this wildfire that surrounds me.

No way in and no way out.

Why do we as humans awaken feelings that are not necessary to survive?

Part of me wishes I never have...

But I can’t change the past.

Why do things have to get so confusing? Why can’t they just stay simple and delicate?

I only I could see the Big Picture.

I only I could knew Your plan.

Father, please help me to let go of this all. Give me the strength to drive all thoughts out of my mind and all feelings out of my heart.

I can only arise when You’re pulling me up.

(11:25AM)

Maybe the point is supposed to show us it’s not meant to be.

That we were wrong.

Punishment.

Maybe the point is for us to get over ourselves.

Overcome ourselves.

I’m open for every and any option.

...Are you?

(11:35AM)

Who art thou who hast blazin’ into mine life?

What ist thee doing here?

The things that thou has done.

The things that thou shalt do...

Oh! How I wonder for thy future!

~~~~

Entry 68: April 19^th, 2008 (12:42PM)

“Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.”

Mark 15:15

Wanting to satisfy the crowd... Pilate could see that Jesus was being framed, that he was innocent of the charges being brought against him. So did he stand up and do the right thing, even though it was hard? Nooooooooo. He caved in to the pressure placed on him by the crowd and his own shaky standing as a leader in Judea. He chose to satisfy the crowd instead of doing what was right.

How about you? When the pressure’s on and the crowds shouting at you to do the wrong thing-what will you do?

~~~~

Entry 69: April 20^th, 2008 (12:37PM)

The world is an evil thing. You start to let small things slide... and you don’t even see it when you’ve started to slide.

You slide and slide, and eventually when you land there’s so much smog around you can’t see where you are. You think you’re one place, but you’re really somewhere completely different.

And it’s all because you let one tiny piece of ground go. It’s all because you didn’t stand completely firm.

But the worst part is you don’t even realize you’ve started to slip until it’s too late.

You can start to climb back up, yeah, if the smog ever clears, but you can never get back to the place you were standing before.

That place is long gone.

There’s a part of my that still wishes I could get back to that place. There’s a part of me that regrets what I did, intentionally. But there’s another part that knows regretting helps nothing.

And that part will help me never make the same mistakes.

I can’t turn back time. I can’t take back what I’ve done.

I can only more forward.

And I will.

Slowly.

But some things need to be done for that to happen...

Father, give me strength.

(12:43PM)

God, I ask for Your forgiveness. I ask for Your mercy. I see know that I messed up. Greatly. But worse I put it in Your name. While also ignoring Your word. I heard what I wanted to hear. I wasn’t hearing You.

Help me to overcome this. Help me to forgive myself...

I know I should tell him the truth. Give me the strength to do so? I can no nothing without You. I should stop trying.

Take away the thoughts in my head. About all of them. I don’t want to fall away from You anymore.

Forgive me...

Give me faith.

Hope.

LOVE.

True love...

(2:01PM)

Father, thank You for Your words. Thank You for Your care. Thank You for Your love. Thank You for guiding him. Thank You for guiding me. Thank You for giving second chances. Thank You for forgiveness. Thank You for mercy. Thank You for Your grace.

Thank You... Just thank You...

(2:14PM)

“When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body.

Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb

And they asked each other, ‘Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?’

But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away.

As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

‘Don’t be alarmed,’ he said. ‘You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him.

‘But go, tell his disciples and Peter, “He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.”’

Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had driven seven demons.

She went and told those who had been with him and who were mourning and weeping.

When they heard that Jesus was alive and that she had seen him, they did not believe it.

Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country.

These returned and reported it to the rest; but they did not believe them either.

Later Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had see him after he had risen.

He said to them, ‘Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.

‘Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.

‘And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues;

‘they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.’

After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God.

Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord working with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.”

Mark 16

The Journal: Entry 60-65

2008-05-04T21:00:26Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where You have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be.

Entry 60: March 26^th, 2008 (3:33PM)

I don’t understand how you could do this. After everything I’ve done for you.

You’ve always attacked me, always been against me.

I don’t know what to do with you. I don’t know how to react.

I don’t want you to be someone you’re not I just want you to be the most you can be.

I want you to be Godly.

So what’s so wrong with that? Do you not want to be Godly?

I don’t understand you, you make no sense.

I’m not out to get you.

No, you’ll see what you want.

You’ll hear what you want.

Your life fills me with grief.

You don’t know what you’re doing.

Why are you doing this?

I want to hate you. So badly do I want to hate you.

But I can’t.

No.

I’ll always love you.

I’ll miss you when you’re gone, but I don’t know if I’ll even know why.

(4:02PM)

You can come to me for anything. You should know that by now. Can you not remember our past? Or do you only remember what you want?

Yes, God can only change you. But don’t expect Him Himself to point out all your faults. How do you know God isn’t working through me?

If I can steer you away from God so easily, then your walk with God obviously isn’t as great as you think.

And how the hell can I steer you away from Him when I’m trying to lead you to Him?

Sorry, love, but that makes no sense.

If you’ve changed like you say you have, then show me. You haven’t shown me a different person. I see the same person.

If this is exactly who you are, and you won’t change into a Godlier person when rebuked, then maybe H was right all along.

If you loved me, you wouldn’t do or say the things you do. Do you even know what really love is? Because your actions do say so.

P.S.

Don’t you dare think you know a thing about my relationship with my Lord. Because you can’t possibly know a single thing.

You don’t know me.

You never have.

Don’t act like you do.

You can’t understand me.

You don’t know my intentions.

Never. Turn against. A Moreno.

(4:11PM)

If you believe you’re doing the right thing. If you believe you’re on the right path, then I will pray for you, and I hope to see you at the end.

I will also pray that God will show us all the real truth.

~~~~

Entry 61: March 28^th, 2008 (12:44PM)

“A man in the crowd answered, ‘Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech.

Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.’

‘O unbelieving generation,’ Jesus replied, ‘how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.’

So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

Jesus asked the boy’s father, ‘How long has he been like this?’ ‘From childhood,’ he answered.

‘It has often thrown him into the fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.’

‘“If you can”?’ said Jesus, ‘Everything is possible for him who believes.’

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!’

When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. ‘You deaf and mute spirit,’ he said, ‘I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.’

The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and come out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, ‘He’s dead.’

But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.

After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, ‘Why couldn’t we drive it out?’

He replied, ‘This kind can come out only by prayer.’”

Mark 9:17-29

“Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, ‘if anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.’

He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them,

‘Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.’”

Mark 9:35-37

“‘Teacher,’ said John, ‘we saw a man driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.’

‘Do not stop him’ Jesus said. ‘No one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me,

‘for whoever is against us is for us.

‘I tell you the truth; anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.’”

Mark 9:38-41

“‘And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.

‘If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.

‘And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell.

‘And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell,

‘where “their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched.”

‘Everyone will be salted with fire.

‘Salt is good, bit if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other.’”

Mark 9:42-50

~~~~

Entry 62: April 3^rd, 2008 (11:39AM)

Surviving, surviving. Must survive.

You never know what the day will bring but you must keep faith and stay alive.

Must do whatever it takes to survive...

(11:45AM)

So, yesterday went well. Very, very well. I could not have expected better.

Thank you, Lord, for everything You’ve done for us. Please keep working within us all.

We love You.

Help us to love You more.

We trust You.

Help us to trust You more.

We fear and praise You.

Help us to love with the uncommon love. Have us be a Godly example to others.

Work our asses off.

(11:58AM)

“People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them.

When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

‘I tell you the truth; anyone who will receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’”

Mark 10:13-15

“As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. ‘Good teacher,’ he asked, ‘what must I do to inherit eternal life?’

‘Why do you call me good?’ Jesus answered. ‘No one is good except God alone.

‘You know the commandments: “Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.”’

‘Teacher,’ he declared, ‘all these I have kept since I was a boy.’

Jesus looked at him and loved him. ‘One thing you lack,’ he said. ‘Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’

At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, ‘How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!’

The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, ‘Children, how hard it is for those who trust in riches to enter the kingdom of heaven!

‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.’

The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, ‘Who then can be saved?’

Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.’

Peter said to him, ‘We have left everything to follow you!’

‘I tell you the truth,’ Jesus replied, ‘no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel

‘will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields-and with them persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.

‘But many who are first will be last, and the last first.’”

Mark 10:17-31

“Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him. ‘Teacher’, they said, ‘we want you to do for us whatever we ask.’

‘What do you want me to do for you?’ he asked.

They replied, ‘Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.’

‘You don’t know what you are asking,’ Jesus said. ‘Can you drink the cup I drink or be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with?’

‘We can,’ they answered. Jesus said to them, ‘You will drink the cup I drink and be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with,

‘but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared.’

When the ten heard about this, they became indignant with James and John.

Jesus called them together and said, ‘You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.

‘Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,

‘and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.

‘For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.’”

Mark 10:35-45

“Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (that is, the Son of Timaeus), was sitting by the roadside begging.

When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, ‘Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!’

Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!’

Jesus stopped and said, ‘Call him.’ So they called to the blind man, ‘Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.’

Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.

‘What do you want me to do for you?’ Jesus asked him. The blind man said, ‘Rabbi, I want to see.’

‘Go,’ said Jesus, ‘your faith has healed you.’ Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.”

Mark 10:46-52

~~~~

Entry 63: April 4^th, 2008 (5:08PM)

What the hell is going on? What do you think you’re doing? How is this you changed? This is the same, damn, ReD.

Seriously, I mean, seriously?

We’ve forgiven you. We have no grudges or anger against you. How do rectify what you’re doing?

We’re being unbiblical? Bitch, please. You’re the one talking shit and creating things out of your ass.

I tried calling you, and I don’t take being blown off easily.

I can’t call you out and keep you accountable if you won’t even talk to me.

But fine, whatever, I’m letting go.

Come back when you mean it.

(5:14PM)

“‘If you have faith in God,’ Jesus answered.

‘I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, “Go, throw yourself into the sea,” and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.

‘Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

‘And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.’”

Mark 11:22-26

(5:19PM)

I am ashamed of you, for your sake. You know you are not righteous, I know I am not as well. You do not see what has been shown to you. You can not hear what has been said.

I love you.

I care for you.

I pity you.

“‘This is why I speak to them in parables: “Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing they do not hear or understand.”

‘In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: “You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.

‘“For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.”’”

Matthew 13:13-15

~~~~

Entry 64: April 7^th, 2008 (1:45PM)

“He then began to speak to them in parables: ‘A man planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for the winepress and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.

‘At harvest time he sent a servant to the tenants to collect from them some of the fruit of the vineyard.

‘but they seized him, beat him and sent him away empty-handed.

‘Then he sent another servant to them; they struck this one on the head and treated him shamefully.

‘He sent still another, and that one they killed. He sent many others; some of they beat, others they killed.

‘He had one left to send, a son, whom he loved. He sent him last of all saying, “They will respect my son.”

‘But the tenants said to one another, “This is the heir. Come, let’s kill him, and the inheritance will be ours.”

‘So they took him and killed him, and threw him out of the vineyard.

‘What then will the owner of the vineyard do? He will come and kill those tenants and give the vineyard to others.

‘Haven’t you read this scripture: “The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone;

“the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes”?’”

Mark 12:1-11

“Later they sent some of the Pharisees and Herodians to Jesus to catch him in his words.

They came to him and said, ‘Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren’t swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?

‘Should we pay or shouldn’t we?’ But Jesus knew their hypocrisy. ‘Why are you trying to trap me? He asked. ‘Bring me a denarius and let me look at it.’

They brought the coin, and he asked them, ‘Whose portrait is this, and whose inscription?’ ‘Caesar’s,’ they replied.

Then Jesus said to them ‘Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.’ and they were amazed at him.

Mark 12:13-17

“‘When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

‘Now about the dead rising-have you not read in the book of Moses, in the account of the bush, how God said to him, “I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob”?

‘He is not the God of the dead, but of the living. You are badly mistaken!’”

Mark 12:25-27

“One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, ‘Of all the commandments, which is the most important?’

‘The most important one,’ answered Jesus, ‘is this: “Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.

‘“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all you soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

‘The second is this: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no commandment greater than these.’

‘Well said, teacher,’ the man replied, ‘You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him.

‘To love him with all your heart, and with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.’

When Jesus aw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, ‘You are not far from the kingdom of God.’ And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.”

Mark 12:28-34

“Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts.

But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, ‘I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others.

‘They all gave out of their wealth; but she, our of her poverty, put in everything-all she had to live on.’”

Mark 12:41-44

(1:54PM)

I hope you are happy about the things you have brought. I listened to your servant mistakenly thinking he was in the right. Now I see it was you talking, and I know nothing of honest nature can come out of your mouth.

How dare you work through my brother. How dare you try and turn us against each other. Did you honestly think I would not see you hiding there eventually?

I will not speak of your presence, no, not to those who can not hear, but do not think I shallt not work against you.

I will pray, oh yes, I will fight. And I won’t allow you to influence me into thinking wrongly of myself. I am not all powerful, and I am not all mighty. However, I know someone who is.

I would ask for the Lord to have mercy on you, but, you don’t deserve anything but the worst. So, instead; May the Lord have mercy on your servants, whether they know of you or not. May He instruct and forgive them, and open their eyes, hearts, and minds.

~~~~

Entry 65: April 10^th, 2008 (11:25AM)

So it’s ended, alright, one does what they have to do.

We’re not friends, but acquaintances, small group members.

Honestly, I don’t understand how they think I should get close to so many people.

I understand unity, yes, but friendship obviously means something different to them than it does to me.

I will be their sister, but I don’t know if I can be much more.

They don’t know me, they can’t understand me, and therefore they can’t understand my actions.

I know I have been too distant and set apart at times, but shouldn’t they be coming up to me at such a time?

How is it Godly to beat upon someone who where first you don’t know their relationship with God, and second you haven’t a clue as to what life they lead? Shouldn’t it be the person who is in a better stance at the time to go up to the other?

Do you really think it should be the other way around?

How blind we all are.

(11:31AM)

How dare you! I can’t...believe you.

You lied to my face, directly, yet you expect me to believe you’ve changed?

Then, THEN, you go to the person who, if you’re really right has lied about you, saying you miss being close to them, in the process beating another ‘friend’ down? A ‘friend’ who... Oh, what does it matter? You quite obviously don’t give a shit.

You say you do, but you actions say you don’t.

And especially for me, actions speak much louder than words.

Do what you will.

(11:35AM)

And then here are the ones who are supposed to take care of me.

Here are the ones who are supposed to love me.

Well, yes, I know they ‘love’ me, but one again... actions speak for louder than words.

God, when am I going to be let out of this cage?

Set me free.

(2:15PM)

“As he was leaving the temple, one of his disciples said to him, ‘Look, Teacher! What massive stones! What magnificent buildings!’

‘Do you see all these great buildings?’ replied Jesus. ‘Not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down.’

As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives opposite the temple, Peter, James, John, and Andrew asked him privately,

‘Tell us, when will these things happen? And what will be the sign that they are all about to be fulfilled?’

Jesus said to them: ‘Watch out that no one deceives you.

‘Many will come in my name, claiming, “I am he,” and will deceive many.

‘When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end it still to come.

‘Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains.

‘You must be on your guard. You will be handed over to the local councils and flogged in the synagogues. On account of me you will stand before governors and kings as witnesses to them.

‘And the gospel must first be preached to all nations.

‘Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.

‘Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death.

‘All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

‘When you see “the abomination that causes desolation” standing where it does not belong-let the reader understand-then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains.

‘Let no one on the roof of his house go down or enter the house to take anything out.

‘Let no one in the field go back to get his cloak.

‘How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers!

‘Pray that this will not take place in winter,

‘because those will be days of distress unequaled from the beginning, when God created the world, until now-and never to be equaled again.

‘If the Lord had not cut short those days, no one would survive. But for the sake of the elect, whom he has chosen, he has shortened them.

‘At that time if anyone says to you, “look, here is the Christ!” or, “Look, there he is!” do not believe it.

‘For false Christ’s and false prophets will appear and perform signs and miracles to deceive the elect-if that were possible.

‘So be on your guard; I have told you everything ahead of time.

‘But in those days, following that distress, “the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light;

‘“the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.”

‘At that time men will see the Son of Man coming in clouds with great power and glory.

‘And he will send his angels and gather his elect from the four winds, from the ends of the earth to the ends of the heavens.

‘Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as it twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near.

‘Even so, when you see these things happening, you know that it is near, right at the door.

‘I tell you the truth, this race will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.

‘Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.

‘No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

‘Be alert and pray! You do not know when that time will come.

‘It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.

‘Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back-whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn.

‘if he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping.

‘What I say to you, I say to everyone: “Watch!”’”

Mark 13

(2:23PM)

Father,

I ask you to ready me. Change me to Your glory.

I know I have failed. So many times have I messed up completely, but You always forgive me.

You always raise me up.

Forgive my sins and my mistakes, Lord, I know they aren’t few.

Teach me so I may learn.

Rebuke me so I may grow.

I know there is much pain and suffering in my future. I know I have so much to do.

Give me the strength.

Give me the knowledge.

Help me to be Your daughter.

I let go of all the wrongs done to me.

By current friends.

By past friends.

By my family.

I let go of any anger I may still have.

I let go of pain.

Once again I give everything in my life onto an alter for You, Father. Take hold of everything and do as You wish.

For I wish to live freely.

Hold onto me, so I may let go.

The Journal: Entry 50-59

2008-05-04T20:54:10Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where You have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be.

Entry 50: March 3^rd, 2008 (10:40PM)

“Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an evil spirit cried out,

‘What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are--the Holy One of God!’

‘Be quiet!’ said Jesus sternly, ‘Come out of him!’

The evil spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek.

The people were all so amazed that they asked each other, ‘What is this? A new teaching--and with authority! He even gives orders to evil spirits and they obey him.’”

Mark 1:23-27

~~~~

Entry 51: March 4^th, 2008 (11:49PM)

“Once again Jesus went out beside the lake. A large crowd came to him, and he began to teach them.

As he walked along, he saw Levi son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax collector’s booth. ‘Follow me,’ Jesus told him, and Levi got up and followed him.

While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and ‘sinners’ were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him.

When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the ‘sinners’ and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: ‘Why does he eat with tax collectors and “sinners”?’

One hearing this, Jesus said to them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners.’”

Mark 2:13-17

~~~~

Entry 52: March 5^th, 2008 (11:35PM)

Why can’t I feel your heat-beat against mine? Why much our lives no longer by tangled together?

Questions that will never be answered, questions that will never be asked.

I feel like I can’t run to you anymore.

You seem so far away.

I know I’m losing you, though you’re right beside me...

What has caused me to stop pouring out my soul? What have caused this eruption inside of me?

There’s no point in guessing, there’s no point in thinking. I’m never going to get an answer.

~~~~

Entry 53: March 8^th, 2008 (9:34PM)

“And the teachers of the law who came down from Jerusalem said, ‘He is possessed by Belzebub! By the prince of demons he is driving out demons.’

So Jesus called them and spoke to them in parables: ‘How can Satan drive out Satan?

‘If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.

‘If a house is divided against itself that house cannot stand.

‘And if Satan opposes himself and if divided, he cannot stand; his end has come.

‘In fact, no one can enter a strong man’s house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man. Then he can rob his house.

‘I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them.

‘But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of eternal sin.

‘He said this because they were saying, ‘He has an evil spirit.’

“Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him.

A crowed was sitting around him, and they told him, ‘Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.’

‘Who are my mother and my brothers?’ he asked.

Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers!

‘Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.’”

Mark 3:22-35

Being in God’s family is about obeying God, not about your spiritual pedigree.

(9:37PM)

How can I think straight with all this commotion in my head?

I can not think together enough to have anything to say.

And I always have something to say.

I need peace. Both spiritual and physical.

~~~~

Entry 54: March 9^th, 2008 (11:26PM)

“It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground.

Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade.”

Mark 4:31&32

~~~~

Entry 55: March 10^th, 2008 (2:46PM)

“They went across the lake to the region of Gerasenes.

When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came form the tombs to meet him.

This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with chain.

For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons one his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him.

Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.

When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him.

He shouted at the top of his voice, ‘What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won’t torture me!’

For Jesus had said to him, ‘Come out of this man, you evil spirit.’

Then Jesus asked him, ‘What is your name?’ ‘My name is Legion,’ he replied, ‘for we are many.’

And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.

A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside.

The demons begged Jesus, ‘Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them’

He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.

Those tending the pigs ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened.

When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid.

Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man--and told about the pigs as well.

Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.

As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him.

Jesus did not let him, but said, ‘Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.’

So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed.

“When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake.

Then one of the synagogue rulers, named, Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet

and pleaded earnestly with him, ‘My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.’

So Jesus went with him. A large crowd followed and pressed around him.

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years.

She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.

When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak,

Because she thought, ‘If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.’

Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, ‘Who touched my clothes?’

‘You see the people crowding against you,’ his disciples answered, ‘and yet you can ask, “Who touched me?”’

But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it.

Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet, and trembling with fear, told him the whole truth.

He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.’

While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. ‘You daughter is dead,’ they said, ‘Why bother the teacher anymore?’

Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, ‘Don’t be afraid, just believe.’

He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James.

When they came to the home of the synagogue ruler, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly.

He went in and said to them, Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.’

But they laughed at him. After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was.

He took her by the hand and said to her, ‘Talitha kourn!’ (which means, ‘Little girl, I say to you, get up!’).

Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At his they were completely astonished.

He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.”

Mark 5:1-43

(2:52PM)

Father, I come to You with doubt. I come to You lacking faith, hope, and trust.

Enough of me, however, believes that if it is Your will for me to become strong, it will be done.

I ask You to heal me, or at least give me enough patience and endurance to survive until it is time.

I don’t know what Your plans are, but renew my heart, and give me one longing to draw near to You.

I love You, but I wish to love and know You more.

I can do nothing without my Lord.

~~~~

Entry 56: March 11^th, 2008 (10:53PM)

Bloody Neo Nazi’s. How dare you label yourself under our Lord. The Heavenly Father is not about hate, he is about love.

Jews are not the spawn of Satan and it is not your job to rid the world of them.

Blacks and any other ‘coloured’ people who are not ‘white’ are not dirt on your shoe. You are not better than they are.

It has nothing to do with race or nationality; it has to do with choice, and personality. How you are raised, what you are taught, what you believe in.

A white male can be just as fucked up as a black one.

I honestly feel sorry for you even though you disgust me so. You fill my body with rage, but I still feel sorry for you.

Your time will come, and oh will you regret your choices.

May mercy be on your heads, and grace upon your arms.

You’re sure as hell are going to need it.

(11:05PM)

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.”

Mark 6:34

“Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd.

After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray.

When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land.

He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them,

but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out,

because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’

Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed,

for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.”

Mark 6:46-52

Faith leads to hope.

Faith leads to love.

To have faith is to live.

~~~~

Entry 57: March 13^th, 2008 (11:40PM)

You don’t know how hard it is for me to remind myself that a mother is what you need.

At this point in time it’s hard for me to see the man I need you to be.

I must remind myself of the man I should be setting my sights on.

I must remind myself of what I should feel.

God help me.

(11:49PM)

“He went one: ‘What comes out of a man is what makes him “unclean”,

‘For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery,

‘greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly.

‘All these evils come from inside and make a man “unclean”’”

Mark 7:20-23

“In fact, as soon as she heard about him, a woman whose little daughter was possessed by an evil spirit came and fell at his feet.

The woman was a Greek, born in Syrian Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.

‘First let the children eat all they want,’ he told her, ‘for it is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.’

‘Yes, Lord,’ she replied, ‘but even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.’

Then he told her, ‘For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter.’

She went home and found her child lying on the bed, the demon gone.”

Mark 7:25-30

(11:56PM)

I do not know of Your will, I do not know of Your planning’s.

I am at a loss and I am troubled.

What must I do to quench this fire I have awakened within me?

It has been my own mistakes that has caused me to be damned.

Father, forgive me for what I have done and forgive his soul. Open his eyes and ears. Let him hear you.

Forgive us both for the wrongs we have done against You. Clear my soul of this guilt and open his unto it.

May I learn from my past and be able to live separate from it.

Renew my mind.

Make me new.

I feel I may cry, but no, I am too stubborn.

I must be strong, for his sake.

We shan’t crash and burn on my time.

~~~~

Entry 58: March 16^th, 2008 (11:17PM)

“The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, except for on load they had with them in the boat.

‘Be careful,’ Jesus warned them. ‘Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod.’

They discussed this with one another and said, ‘It is because we have no bread’.

Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: ‘Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened?

‘Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?

‘When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pickup?’ ‘Twelve,’ they replied.

‘And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?’ They answered, ‘Seven.’

He said to them, ‘Do you still not understand?’”

Mark 8:12-21

“He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again.

He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.

But Jesus turned and look at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ he said. ‘You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of man.’

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

‘For whoever wants to save his life with lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

‘What good is it for a man to gain in exchange for his soul?

If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he come sin his Father’s glory with the holy angels.’”

Mark 8:31-38

~~~~

Entry 59: March 23^rd, 2008 (11:11PM)

Dude, you are such an idiot. We’ve forgiven you for so many things, we’ve turned a blind eye to your attacks and sins. And you repay us with this bullshit?

What the fuck have we done but help you? You have finally strained my patience and honestly, you should know what that means, but you obviously don’t.

Or, you don’t care.

Whatever, you’ve always been a weak link. And annoyance. A trouble. Never have you done anything good for us.

If you’re finally ready to finalize things and break off from us, I’m not gonna stop you, ‘cause I know there’s no point.

I can’t do anything new for you. I’m always saying the same things because you never learn. That’s your problem.

Now, I’m always here for you if you need me, ever, and I’ll always love you. But, really, you’ve gone way too far this time.

And this is how it’s going to work: The end is your decision, and our decision is also marked by your reactions. If we’ve done something wrong, prove it, if not shut your mouth and treat lightly.

The Journal: Entry 40-49

2008-05-04T20:51:08Z

The Journal

Father,
Open the eyes of those who read these passages. May they hear Your voice where You have spoken. May it not lead them astray, but rather to You. Blessed be.

Entry 40: February 19^th, 2008 (12:55AM)

“Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, ‘Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?’

‘Why do you ask me about what is good?’ Jesus replied. ‘There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments.’

‘Which ones?’ the man inquired. Jesus replied, ‘”Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony,

honor your father and mother,” and “love your neighbor as yourself.”’

‘All these I have kept,’ the young man said. ‘What do I still lack?’

Jesus answered, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

‘Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.’

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, ‘Who then can be saved?’

Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’

Peter answered him, ‘We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?’

Jesus said to them, ‘I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

‘And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters of father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.

‘But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.’”

Matthew 19:16-30

(1:05AM)

I am tired and I am weary. I have made mistakes and I will make many more.

There is something within me that brings me back. For some reason I continue fighting.

Something within me hears a calling. It pulls me along this dark decaying path.

There is always light above me, there is always darkness solid like glass.

Though I stumble and thought I fall, I am continuously dragged, continuously pulled.

To where I am lead my mind does not know.

To what end, I can only hope.

~~~~

“‘For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard.

‘He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.

‘About the third hour her went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing.

‘He told them, “You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.”

‘So they went. He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing.

‘About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, “Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?”

‘“Because no one has hired us,” they answered. He said to then, “You also go and work in my vineyard.”

‘When evening came, the owner of the vineyard and said to his foreman, “Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.”

‘The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius.

‘So when those cane who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.

‘When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner.

‘“These men who were hired last worked only one hour,” they said, “and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.”

‘But he answered one of them, “Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius?

‘“Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I have you.

‘“Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?”’

‘So the last will be first, and the first will be last.’”

Matthew 20:1-16

“Jesus called them together and said, ‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.

‘Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,

‘and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--

just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.’”

Matthew 20:25-28

~~~~

Entry 41: February 20^th, 2008 (11:48PM)

“Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.

This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,

but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.

You, dear children, are form God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them.

We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.”

1^st John 4:1-6

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

1^st John 4:7&8

“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.”

1^st John 4:11&12

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because He first loved us.

If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, who he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”

1^st John 4:16-21

(11:55PM)

Love, love, love. Love is truly, madly, deeply, important and crucial.

If only we all could live in love.

No I’m not wearing rose coloured glasses. I know that world love, or world peace, will never happen so long as sin is in the world (and everyone on it). I’m just making a statement. It would be quite nice.

And really, if everyone just loved a little more, the world would be such a better place.

Now I’m not talking perfection, and I don’t mean it would end anger and discrimination. I just mean that people would be nicer and do good things a little more often.

Well, at least most people.

Of course love, real love, really is perfection, for real love is God.

And God is love.

~~~~

Entry 42: February 21^st, 2008 (11:48AM)

“Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he as hungry.

Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, ‘May you never bear fruit again!’ Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. ‘How did the fig tree wither so quickly?’ they asked?

Jesus replied, ‘I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, “Go, throw yourself into the sea,” and it will be done.

‘If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.’”

Matthew 21:18-22

“‘Listen to another parable: There was a landowner who planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a winepress in it and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.

‘When the harvest time approached, he sent his servants to the tenants to collect his fruit.

‘The tenants seized his servants; they beat one, killed another, and stoned a third.

Then he sent other servants to them, more than the first time, and the tenants treated them the same way.

‘Last of all, he sent his son to them. “They will respect my son,” he said.

‘But when the tenants saw the son, they said to each other, “This is the hair. Come, let’s kill him and take his inheritance.”

‘So they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and killed him.

‘Therefore, when the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants?’

‘They will bring those wretches to a wretched end,’ they replied, ‘and he will rent the vineyard to other tenants, who will give him his share of the crop at harvest time.’

Jesus said to them, ‘Have you never read in the Scriptures:

“The stone the builders rejected

has become the cornerstone;

the Lord has done this,

and it is marvelous in our eyes”?

‘Therefore I tell you that the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to people who will produce its fruit.’”

Matthew 21:33-40

~~~~

Entry 43: February 22^nd, 2008 (12:07AM)

I am trying so hard to not fall into a deep loathing hate towards my family.

I know you’re supposed to obey and respect your parental units and all that jazz, but seriously, they make it so freaking hard.

I’m sure this is a “test” of some sorts, or something like that, and I’m pretty sure I’m failing with bouncing, sparkly, colours.

I just have no idea what to do anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve prayed, but I just can’t get through that constant aggression. I’m always uber defensive.

I just can’t get past the past.

I guess... when it comes right down to it, I need to forgive them for all the shit they’ve done, still do, and will continue to do in the future.

I’m usually a forgiving person too...

But how do you begin to forgive people who have basically abused you since you were a kid?

Ugh, even as I write that I know the answer.

I really don’t want to forgive them. When it comes to my family, I’m tired of being the mature good guy. I want them to feel something for all the shit they’ve put me through.

And yes, I know that’s wrong. I know I should love and forgive them as God loves and forgives me everyday.

But as usual I’m going to be a hardheaded prick and learn the hard way.

I really need to break out of that habit.

(11:31PM)

And here we go, once again, with unexplainable mood swings.

Or are they?

Been bored all day, argued with H, feel like shite.

Maybe not so unexplainable... Just annoying as hell...

Bah. I’m tired of being beaten upon when I’m trying to do something right.

The worst thing is I know it’ll always and forever happen.

My life is a hangover.

~~~~

Entry 44: February 23^rd, 2008

I am wasting away in this house of sin. May the Lord give me strength.

~~~~

Entry 45: February 26^th, 2008 (12:09AM)

I am a mother.

I am a leader.

I love my ‘children’, and I would do anything for them.

Whether they know that or not.

I do the best I can. I know I’m not perfect. I don’t think I am and I never will.

I know they’re not grateful right now, I know in a sense they can’t be.

But I also know one day they will be, and that is the day I look at.

Even though a large part of me wants something else, I will continue with this.

I listen to my Father the best I can.

I guess I just have to wait and see.

(12:20AM)

“‘Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me.

At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,

and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.

Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold,

but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.’”

Matthew 24:9-13

“‘Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.

But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into.

So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

‘Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom the master has out in charge of the servants in his household to give them their food at the proper time?

It will be good for that servant whose master finds him doing so when he returns.

I tell you the truth, he will put him in charge of all his possessions.

But suppose that servant is wicked and says to himself, “My master is staying away a long time,”

and he then begins to beat his fellow servants and to eat and drink with drunkards.

The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of.

He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’”

Matthew 24:42-51

Frankly, we’re all screwed if we’re not ready.

~~~~

Entry 46: February 27^th, 2008 (10:33PM)

“‘At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.

Five of them were foolish and five were wise.

The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take ay oil with them..

The wise, however, took oil jars along with their lamps.

The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and feel asleep.

At midnight the cry rang out: “Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!”

Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps.

The foolish ones said to the wise, “Give us some of your oil; our lamps our going out.”

“No”, they replied, “There may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.”

But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.

Later the others also come. “Sir! Sir!”, they said. “Open the door for us!”

But he replied, “I tell you the truth, I don’t know you.”

Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.’

‘Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them.

To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey.

The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more.

So also, the one with the two talents gained two more.

But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.

After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them.

The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. “Master,” he said “you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.”

His master replied, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”

The man with the two talents also came. “Master” he said, “you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.”

His master replied, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”

Then the man who had received the one talent came. “Master,” he said, “I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering when you have not scattered seed.

So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.”

His master replied, “You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed?

Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents.

For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have even what he has will be taken from him.

And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”’

‘When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory.

All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.

He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

Then the King will say to those on his right, “Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, and the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,

I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?

When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?

When did we see you sick or in prison and go visit you?”

The King will reply, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

Then he will say to those on his left, “Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.

For I was hungry and you have me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink,

I was a stranger and you did not incite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.”

They also will answer, “Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?”

He will reply, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.”

Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.’”

Matthew 25:1-46

(10:34PM)

“I know a place where no one’s lost, I know a place where no one cries. No crying is aloud, not in my castle on a cloud.”

~~~~

Entry 47: February 28^th, 2008 (10:50PM)

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

Matthew 26:41

(10:53PM)

Father, help my dear boys in their struggle. Help them to see Your truth and will. Help them to behave according to Your word.

Speak to them and show them Your way. For them to be in pain is for me to be in pain.

Have mercy on us all.

(10:56PM)

Lord, give me rest on this night. Calm my soul and bring peace to my mind. Have me awakened refreshed and anew in Your love. May it be easy for me to start the day, and do my bidding as You would have it.

I love You, guide me to love You more.

~~~~

Entry 48: February 29^th, 2008 (11:08PM)

Ergrah.

I need to just eliminate myself from all males .__.

I’m a poison to their souls.

As they are to mine.

Why have things gotten so complicated? When did things get so complicated?

I hate this.

This uncertainty.

This confusion.

These feelings.

They’re all driving me insane. How long can I take it before I seriously fuck things up?

Maybe this time I won’t...

~~~~

Entry 49: March 2^nd, 2008 (9:52PM)

“Then Jesus came to them and said, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.

‘Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,

‘and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.’”

(10:00PM)

When something happens inside of us, something large, the change shows on our outside in one way or another.

But when that change is deeply personal, only those truly close to you, those who know you, see the outward change.

So subconsciously we change the outside ourselves. We want people to notice a difference.

But more than that we want to be able to see the change instead of just feeling it.

Curious, how the mind works.

The Journal: Entry 31-39

2008-02-17T02:36:28Z

The Journal

Entry 31: January 27^th, 2008 (7:08AM)

“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.

Do not be like then, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

This, then, is how you should pray:

‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,

your kingdom come, your will be done one earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us out debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Matthew 6:6-14

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body. If you eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light.

But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!”

Matthew 6:19-23

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, I you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’

For the pagans run after all these things, and you heavenly Father knows that you need them.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew 6:25-34

(7:12AM)

Great Merlin I hate getting up early... Well, no, I just hate getting up. Waking up.

I love sleep.

I love a warm bed with soft (but not too soft) pillows.

I love the absence of human beings... Well, sometimes I wish there was the presence of another human body to cuddle with, but that’s usually when I’m trying to fall asleep...

(11:15PM)

So here we go away... Fighting onward, fighting hard.

A new challenge is just a bit away... The question is, are my fellow brothers and sisters ready?

We don’t know what’s coming. We haven’t a clue (well, no, we have a few assumptions) as to what’s going to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I have faith God will take care of us. But how far will we be tested?

Ho far will be fall before we’re either caught or we land with a resounding crack?

~~~~

Entry 32: January 29^th, 2008 (8:48AM)

So this is the day. I really hope we keep God’s name in all of it...

I really hope my grandmother does not freak out and let’s me go.

Father, I pray you protect us on this day. That first I will be able to go; I’ll be able to get everything I will need to get done, done.

That we will keep your name and spirit in everything, not forget your true word, and not act and think by our own thoughts, but by yours.

I pray that you will teach ReD, and that he will be able to see and hear you.

That no more lies will come of this, only truth.

Please teach us to love you more, and to keep you in every aspect of our lives.

(9:04AM)

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

“Do not give dogs what it sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door with be opened to you.

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door with be opened.

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the fate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.

But small if the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.

By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles?

Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.

A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.

Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

Thus by their fruit you will recognize them.

Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’

Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it feel with a great crash.”

Matthew 7:1-27

~~~~

Entry 33: January 30^th, 2008 (3:53PM)

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

Ephesians 4:2, 3

“‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Ephesians 4:26, 27

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Ephesians 4:29

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:31, 32

“When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help.

‘Lord,’ he said, ‘my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering.’

Jesus said to him, ‘I will got and heal him.’

Then centurion replied, ‘Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed.

‘For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, “Go,” and he goes; and that one, “Come,” and he comes. I say to my servant, “Do this,” and he does it.’

When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, ‘I tell you the truth, I have no found anyone in Israel with such great faith.

‘I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven.

‘But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Then Jesus said to the centurion, ‘Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.’ And his servant was healed that very hour.”

Matthew 8:5-13

“Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.

The disciples went and woke him, saying, ‘Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!’

He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’ Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, ‘What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!’

“When he arrived at the other side in the region of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men coming from the tombs met him. They were so violent that no one could pass that way.

‘What do you want with us, Son of God?’ they shouted. ‘Have you come here to torture us before the appointed time?’

Some distance from them a large heard of pigs was feeding.

The demons begged Jesus, ‘If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs.’

He said to them ‘Go!’ So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.”

Matthew 8:24-32

(3:55Pm)

May the Lord forgive those who call out to Him with no meaning.

May the Lord rebuke those who are not willing.

May the Lord forgive us all.

(3:57PM)

Well, that was interesting. A show indeed.

Lord, give us strength. Help us to see with your loving eyes.

~~~~

Entry 34: February 3^rd, 2008 (10:10PM)

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

That is why, for Christ’ sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2^nd Corinthians 12:7-10

A thorn in my side, a messenger of Satan. One that will stay with me my entire life on this planet.

Torment me. Torture me. Test me, tempt me. Cause me to fall.

But I must not give up. I must not let go. I must keep fighting, walking.

I must keep faith.

Pray for me. For I am lost and need guidance.

Leadership.

Hope.

(10:11PM)

“He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.”

Matthew 10:1

“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”

Matthew 10:16

“But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say,

for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.”

Matthew 10:19, 20

“All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.”

Matthew 10:22

“So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.

What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of you Father.

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven.

But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in Heaven.

Do no suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but I sword.

For I have come to turn ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--

a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’

Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;

And anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Matthew 10:26-39

~~~~

Entry 35: February 6^th, 2008

“Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit.

You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.

But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.

For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Matthew 12:33-37

“When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it.

Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, and swept clean and put in order.

Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

Matthew 12:43-45

~~~~

Entry 36: February 7^th, 2008 (10:51AM)

I’m not the perfect child. I never will be. I don’t want to be.

How can you expect me to give up myself for you?

My priorities are different than yours. Things that are important to me mean nothing to you.

Who chooses who’s correct? Not you, obviously, not me.

I can’t do perfectly in school, do every chore and then some, read your mind, get a job, get up early and still have time for friends and still be sane. Not to mention happy.

How can you expect so much from me?

You can’t see me for who I really am. You look at me the way you want to.

All you see is a lazy rebellious teenager.

Fine.

I don’t care.

Just do your best to remember that you’re pushing me away more and more everyday.

I’m gonna be out of here in just over a year.

And then your chances end.

~~~~

Entry 37: February 9^th, 2008 (2:31PM)

“But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’

For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

Matthew 15:18, 19

~~~~

Entry 38: February 15^th, 2008 (10:38AM)

“When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him.

‘Lord, have mercy on my son,’ he said. ‘He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water.

‘I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.’

‘O unbelieving and perverse generation,’ Jesus replied, ‘how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.’

Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment.

Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, ‘Why couldn’t we drive it out?’

He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.’”

Matthew 17: 14-20

(10:45AM)

I have no idea what the future will bring. Dreams and thoughts mean little.

I was so sure of you and I, but now I doubt. I do not know if it means anything.

When time has finished passing, and it is the time to take a step, you cannot be who, where, you are now. For if you are, all will come to ruin.

You must change, and so must I.

I am afraid of the future.

(10:50AM)

I told you I felt I was losing you, yet the feeling’s still there.

My existence in your life doesn’t mean much anymore.

I really am easily replaced.

What do I give you that they cannot?

Instruction?

Guidance?

All I am is a mother.

And for you, that is not what I want to be.

It is meaningless.

Pointless.

Open your eyes.

~~~~

Entry 39: February 16^th, 2008 (11:47AM)

I need to let go of you. I know that I really do. But you’ve been my life for so long. It felt like I had been waiting forever, and now I have to give you up.

I know it’s the right thing, but that doesn’t stop the pain.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to act. I was strong because you needed me to be, but now you’ve moved on.

I know I’m not alone, but that’s how I feel. I’m lost and in the dark.

I can’t be strong anymore.

(12:00PM)

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’

He called a little child and had him stand among them.

And he said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

‘Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’”

Matthew 18:1-4

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and got to look for the one that wandered off?

And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wonder off.

In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector.”

Matthew 18:10-17

“For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them.

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’

Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’

‘Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.

‘As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.

‘Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wide and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

‘The servant fell on his knees before him. “Be patient with me,” he begged, “and I will pay back everything.”

‘The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

‘But when that servant went out, he found one of hi fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. “Pay back what you own me!” he demanded.

‘His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, “Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.”

‘But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

‘When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

‘Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said, “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.

‘“Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?”

‘In his anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

‘This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.’”

Matthew 18: 20-35

(6:00PM)

I’m tired of always feeling like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back.

I’m not strong, but God is.

Tonight, I’m breaking the habits.

No longer will I look toward the future, instead I’m looking at today.

No longer will I dream of things I have no power over, but dream of things I can change.

I will recognize my natural talents and enhance them to God’s glory.

I am here to be a mother.

An instructor.

A guide.

I am not here for my own benefit, but for the benefit of others.

I need to let all things go, and allow new things to slide off of me.

I must cling only to the Heavenly Father’s robe.

May mercy be placed upon my head, and grace upon my arms.

I’m in for a long run.

The Journal: Entry 23-30

2008-01-26T18:08:40Z

The Journal

Entry 23: January 14^th, 2008 (6:20PM)

What they want from me is impossible to give. Sometimes I wonder what the point is in trying...

I wish I had a place to go, somewhere to run away to at any given time.

My friends are my escape, my distraction. But even that has to end. I can’t spend all my time with them, no matter how much I want to.

I love them. They are my real family.

~~~~

Entry 24: January 15^th, 2008 (1:16PM)

It’s amazing what the soul can feel. The emotions it may posses.

I know my own seems to have a few missing, but I am so very grateful for the ones I have. Most of all love.

If it wasn’t for the ability to love, this very world would not exist.

Hope, faith, love.

Imagination.

Dreams.

People take so much for granted. The gifts we have all around us. Within us.

For those who are afraid to love, to care. Afraid to give yourself, afraid to be hurt. This I say to you;

Fear is true weakness, to love is pure courage. Those who do not love only exist, they do not live.

The greatest thing above all is love. It is the most important thing to ever learn.

To never give yourself, to never hold someone dear is the greatest sadness. Not losing someone.

All hearts can heal, no matter the pain. But only if you believe, and love.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have no love, I am only a

resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I

have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love,

I gain nothing.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

“Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are

tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

but when perfection comes, the imperfection disappears.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I

Know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is love.”

1^st Corinthians 13

~~~~

Entry 25: January 18^th, 2008 (10:56AM)

So life continues, and you endure, waiting for that one moment that will change your life forever.

A conversation.

An answered prayer.

Or just one thinking process.

These moments can change our lives forever. If we let them.

A single person. A single sentence, word, can change your mind, lifestyle.

Can make you continue fighting.

I’m so very thankful I’ve had many of those moments.

Those people put me back on track, whether they know it or not.

I can only pray that God will let me help them just as much as they’ve helped me.

I love in my heart is over-flowing so much it hurts.

(11:12AM)

“Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along

with those who call on the Lord with a pure heart.

Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they

produce quarrels.

And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to

teach, not resentful.

Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them

repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth,

and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has

taken them captive to do his will.”

2^nd Timothy 2:22-26

~~~~

Entry 26: January 19^th, 2008 (1:59PM)

So my head is pounding once more, feeling like it’s going to implode.

It’s not so fun.

I wake up every morning with a splitting headache.

Migraines come from no where.

And the things that happen to me are still unexplainable.

My life would be so much easier without all this pain.

Let’s just pray it won’t get too much worse in that area for who knows what would become of me then.

~~~~

Entry 27: January 22^nd, 2008 (12:55AM)

Dear Lord,

What is this You are asking of me? Mixed up and lost between my thoughts wandering and heart’s longing.

Father,

What is it You want of me? I am afraid and in spiritual pain.

I cry out to You, Emanuel, lead me, speak with me.

Do you want me to give him up, to let go? Or do you merely wish me to back away?

Please, please I do not want to lose him. I do not want to change our lies when it is not what you want.

I am confused. I am in the dark. Shed your Light unto mine eyes.

Yahweh, Holy One,

I beg of You, I beg of You. Do not leave me behind. Do not forget Yours daughter.

How long will your back be turned to me? I long to see your face.

Distract me from ungodly things. Lead me away from my sins.

Papa,

Please, please, answer me...

(11:03AM)

Father, give me courage as I speak with him today. Speak through me so that he will understand and accept. Help him to know that I will forever love him. And that this is not happening because I’ve stopped. Give us both faith, hope, love, and peace.

(11:03AM)

“God, grant me the

Serenity to accept

the things I cannot

change;

Courage to change

the things I can;

and Wisdom to

know the difference--

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in

the next. Amen.”

~~~~

Entry 28: January 23^rd, 2008 (12:13AM)

Father, take care of my friends. Hold them in your hold hand forever and protect them.

Help them to hear your voice; help them to understand your word.

May they grow strong in faith, and be filled with Godly hope and love to last their lifetime.

May they take rebuking so they may learn and grow.

I bless them, oh Father, in Your Holy Name. May they see their wrongs so they may correct them and become wise with Your Word.

----

Almighty God,

I give my heart to You as a sacrifice. I give my love, my friendships, everything to You.

I let go of all my worldly things so You may do with them as You wish.

I’m backing away.

Take control.

~~~~

Entry 29: January 25^th, 2008 (3:14PM)

“We are the ones, we get knocked down, we get back up and stand above the crowd.

We are one.”

(3:27PM)

What is this depression that lies deep within me?

What is this pain that always breaks through?

Who is this person who fights against me?

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I let this go?

God, I don’t even know what this is...

I’m tired of having emotions I can’t explain.

I’m tired of hating myself.

I’m tired of never being able to do something right.

I’m tired of feeling hopeless.

Worthless.

There’s part of me that just wants to leave. Not deal with this life again.

Not deal with these people again.

I want to just leave and never return.

Sleep, and never awake.

(3:27PM)

Everyone falls and everyone breaks. There’s nothing in that.

It’s getting up and continuing on without any sorrow. That makes one great.

Everyone has talents. Some more obvious than others.

And it doesn’t matter what talent you have. It’s just as important.

I’ve fallen. I’ve been broken many times. I’ve wallowed in self pity and depression.

But God has always pulled me back up onto my feet.

In one way or another.

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its ardor as unyielding as Sheol. It burns like blazing fire, like the very flame of the Lord.

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, he would be utterly scorned.”

Song of Songs 8:6&7

~~~~

Entry 30: January 26^th, 2008 (10:36AM)

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kings of evil against you because of me.

Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:30-16

“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca*,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Matthew 5:21-24

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

Matthew 5:27-30

“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.’ But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies**, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.

He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

Matthew 5:33-48

* Raca: An Aramaic term of contempt

** “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”

The Journal: Entry 16-22

2008-01-26T18:05:56Z

The Journal

Entry 16: December 24^th, 2007 (4:21PM)

Come what may, my love, for you will never end.

Let them throw at us what they will, we shall not fall.

It doesn’t matter that I’ve had you one hundred times; I’ll have you one hundred more. I could never grow tired of that smile.

Come what may, we’ll stand together till the end of time.

No matter what happens I’ll be by your side.

(4:36PM)

So it’s happening again, and I know this won’t be the last.

That’s what I get for falling in love.

Yet hurting her gives me no guilt at all.

Am I heartless or just numb?

Maybe a bit of both.

But I won’t back down. I stick up for myself and what I believe in. If that means I lose friends and gain enemies, so be it. People can hate me as much as they want.

Doesn’t faze me at all.

What bothers me is when they pretend, wear a mask.

Do you honestly think I can’t see right through you? Oh please, give me a break.

I’m pretty far from being an idiot.

Tell me what you really think and feel, because I’m tired of this pointless game.

I know you don’t like me. I also know you have no reason to, and I know you know that as well.

I don’t care if you have a logical reason or not. Get a back bone and say something.

I’m utterly disgusted by your weakness.

~~~~

Entry 17: January 1^st, 2008 (2:27PM)

I can’t do this any more, I’m giving up. This life is too hard to live.

I’ve lost who I am, caught up in my masquerade.

My walls are coming down, I’m letting everything show.

No more flowers and lace, scents to disguise, no more things to hind behind.

Throw out everything you thought you knew about me. It all means naught at this time.

I’m not who you think I am.

You want to know me? Try again another day.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Everything I thought I knew and believed... means nothing.

~~~~

Entry 18: January 5^th, 2008 (12:14AM)

God you piss me off. Why are you even here? You obviously don’t understand this at all.

You’re attacks to me mean nothing. What’s another scar, another feather long gone?

You’re attacks to him cut me to the core. What has he done to you besides never give you what you want?

I don’t think you have the mental capacity, maturity to understand who we are. What we are.

What we mean.

What we stand for.

Real friends don’t rip off each others wings.

~~~~

Entry 19: January 6^th, 2008 (1:07PM)

                            What the fuck is wrong with you people? Pointing fingers behind backs, acting like savages when faces are turned. Yet talking to me like you're my best friend.

   Fuck that bullshit. I see through your lies. You blame him, he blames her. Who the hell cares? We're all falling apart and it's NO ONES FAULT. It's not because of you, or anyone else.

   Not all friendships last, no matter how hard each person tries. Why does a bomb have to go off? Talk about immaturity.

   Sometimes you just have to let things go, putting up a fight is the worst thing to do. All we need is clarity, and closer. Only a miracle can make this last.

   So start praying.

~~~~

Entry 20: January 6^th 2008 (4:19PM)

I can’t take this anymore. I have no freedom anywhere. Isn’t ‘home’ a place where you’re supposed to feel safe? Family, people you’re comfortable around?

And if not that, friends, you’re ‘real’ family? No, I have not even that. I have to wear a mask everywhere I go.

No freedom.

How can one life this life? I belong no where. I exist no where.

I can’t do this any more.

Someone give me hope.

Faith.

(4:26PM)

I have no where to turn. You’re my only hope. I’m giving everything to you.

Do what you will, I’m letting go.

(11:59PM)

Man that hurt. A blow straight to the jaw. Not just what you said, but the fact that you don’t know me either.

You don’t know my side of the story yet you draw your own conclusions.

You don’t know why I do things; you don’t know my little quirks. Everything you know about me has basically come from H.

I write my heart, soul, thoughts onto paper for myself alone. I don’t care if anyone reads what I write, I don’t care if it gets to the person I’m writing about/to.

This is my therapy.

I learned from a young age that you can’t just keep things bottled up inside, it doesn’t help anything. You have to learn how to deal with your emotions in a healthy way.

Writing is mine.

(And yes, sometimes the ‘healthy’ thing to do would be to go and talk to that person you have a problem with, but if that ‘problem’ is only yourself, and you know you have to standing, what then? You still have to deal with it, right?)

Now, why do I post it all on the internet for the world to see?

Because paper can burn, notebooks can get lost, computers can crash, and yes, so can websites. But I have it all on paper in a notebook, on a computer memory drive, and on four websites.

One of the worst things an artist can lose is their heart and soul, which is always in their work.

This is my therapy, this is my life, this is my world. If you can’t handle it, get out.

~~~~

Entry 21: January 7^th, 2008 (12:09AM)

What makes you so crucial to my existence anyway?

Actually, what makes your judgment and thoughts on me so important?

Yeah, it hurts that you’re leaving (or close to it), but it’s not like my heart won’t heal.

I never thought you would be in my life forever in the first place, so what’s a few years sooner than expected?

Yes, I love you. Yes, I’m here if you need me. Yes, you have been very important to me and out times together and friendship was not worthless or pointless. You have helped me to survive.

And no, you weren’t the perfect friend, but neither was I, and I still thank you for everything you’re done for me and have given me.

And yes, anything can be fixed, and it’s never too late.

(12:52AM)

The mind is such a bitch ass thing. I don’t think anyone will ever understand the way it works. Actually, I hope no one does. The things we go through in our lifetime are very important, and so are the things we learn.

When it comes right down to it, it doesn’t matter how lost you are. If you even have the slightest glimmer that you are his child, he will always lead you back to him.

Life is hard, and continuing in your walk with him is even harder. But relying on people will just make things worse. Because they will always let you down, and they can never give you exactly what you need.

You don’t need anyone in your life. Any human, mortal that you love, you don’t need them, you want them. All you need is Christ, and Christ alone. Sometimes we truly forget that.

If you ever get lost, or forget who you are, just remember... no matter what happens, his Will shall be done, and everything will be okay in the end. Have faith, even when faith is the last thing on your mind.

I love all of you, and I’m sorry I’m messed up so much. I lost hope and faith, and that showed in my actions. But if this is where God wants us, I’m not fighting against him.

(1:22AM)

Father, please forgive me for once again running away from you.

Please once again love me, and help me. I can’t live this life without you, and I’ve already screwed up so much.

I don’t know why this is so hard for me, but please bring me understanding and hope once more.

But most of all grow my faith to make it strong. Without faith, I truly am nothing, and I don’t want that.

Please help me with my friends. Help us all to know exactly if we should continue on or part. Either way we can’t do this without you.

Help also H, he needs you to guide and direct him. I know that he is lost also in many areas, and he needs your light to fill the dark.

Father, help also our love, we believe it all started because of you. Whether that is one hundred percent true or not doesn’t matter anymore, because we’re together regardless.

Therefore, help us to keep our relationship around you, because else we’ll fall.

I love him so much; it hurts to not have him. Bring him to me soon.

(1:34AM)

Sometimes I wish God hadn’t made me a woman, other times I’m glad I am.

I mean, each has it’s ups and downs, but for some reason it annoys me that people make it out like being a woman is so, so terrible and men have it so much better.

But in all honestly, is that true? Guys always have to worry about being a good leader and not leading others into hell. They have to worry about being held up to a standard just as much as women do.

Both genders are hard, and they both have their pros and cons.

I guess I just have to continue remembering that God made me a woman for a reason, and I need to be as Godly as possible.

Which means ignoring everyone else where it’s needed.

(11:09AM)

Father, help me to use the gifts you have given me to your glory.

Help me to forget worldly things and live solely for you.

You know everything that’s been going on in my life, and only you can know exactly everything I need, so Holy Spirit I ask you to speak to the Father on my behalf. Come and help me see and head. Help me live.

(11:12AM)

You grace me particular gifts for a reason, and I don’t even know what those gifts are right now. I am so lost and every way.

Have mercy on me, please...

~~~~

Entry 22: January 13^th, 2008 (11:13PM)

Damn that was a lot of shit. And the worst thing is it doesn’t feel like we accomplished anything. I know they’re still up there lurking about.

I had a bit of a realization. Kinda. So I suppose that’s good.

I mean, when it comes right down to it... that is what makes us The Circle. Us fighting together.

And then with things being said about us... That won’t be the last time really, it was just the beginning. I think everything that happened after word proves that.

Well, ReD, you were right. The point really is for us to stay strong. To stay together. I’m sorry for saying otherwise.

And really, it’s more than staying together and strong. It’s recruiting others as well.

We can be just friends on the outside, yes, but we must be more than friends. We must be a band of brothers and sisters.

We must be The Circle.

And if you’re not strong enough than say so. We won’t hate you, and we’ll still be your friend.

But we can have no one holding us back from our future.

(11:17PM)

I have no idea where all that crap came from. That’s not where I mean to go at all.

Oh well. I know there must be a point to me saying it.

To The Circle (even though all of you don’t read this):

I love all of you so very dearly. And I would die for all of you without beating an eye lash.

I would do anything for any of you.

If you need me, I am always here. Even after I’m gone.